Nun in a taxi joke

A cabbie picks up a Nun

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't
want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When
you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I
have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about
that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be
Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm
single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm
going to a Halloween party."

The cat did a poo on my homework

Oh and it was true. The cat is terrified of the new cat flap because it clicks when she comes near with the infra-red thingy on her collar. So rather than brave the click she did a poo on Katie's English homework folder under the coffee table and scratched around. For something so horrible it had us crying with laughter

Andrew was so amused he got the camera to take a photo. Yes a family kodak moment.

A favourite romantic lyric

"I don't want to set the world on fire. I just want to start a little flame in your heart"

"What's a wiffy?"

asked my mum about WIFI

What Star Wars looks like as a silent movie with piano for soundtrack

I just love this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=8mBDQXWflbM

Jokes for the girls

One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

---------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

--------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to
them and said that because they had been so good that each one of
them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

-------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practising to be men.


-------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

THIS IS HOW WE RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB

We put about 100 bricks in some particular

order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and

close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours

and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.

.....Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them.

...... Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the

bricks

.. Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some

strange order.

.... Put them in strategic planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.

... Put them in operations .

If they are sleeping.

.... .. Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.

.....Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.

.......Put them in human resources .

If they say they have tried different

combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.

........ .Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.

.......Put them in marketing.

And then last but not least. If they are

talking to each other and not a single brick has

been

moved.

.....Congratulate them and put them in top

management!!!!!

8th July I.O.W. update to prove I leave these shores but don't find time to blog anymore

How are we? Sunburnt and doesn't it feel good after all the rain and more rain and the cats and the dogs. Andrew and I are just back from a short break in the Isle of Wight. We got the ferry yesterday am at 10.15am from Lymington. Drove to Freshwater Bay where we parked before hiking up the Tennyson Downs to the Needles, then to Alum Bay and then back up over the Downs. I had my Birkenstocks on not expecting to walk 9 miles and boy, oh boy can I feel my feet now!

It's funny how it has felt like a 5 day weekend but has only been 2 days. I think the excitement of the ferry helped - you drive on and then go up like an elevator to make room for cars underneath you. Only I ran to the loo as they announced disembarkation, then couldn't find my way back to the right deck, got stuck in a stairwell and they'd already closed off the doors to the decks, so had to walk off with the passengers and was just feeling lucky I wasn't trapped in the stairwell which was the thought in my mind as panic spread. Doh! Fortunately I had left the car keys with a very bemused Andrew who was doing man thing of not listening when I announced my dash to the loo and that I'd meet him at the car, so he was perplexed indeed why I hadn't followed him - was I abducted or in the Channel?

One almost felt the need for a passport and to reset the watch. Andrew at one point thought "oh they speak English too"! We stayed at this fab and great value BnB - http://www.oceanviewhouse.co.uk/. Very modern large room with high ceiling and balcony with fab sea view in Ventnor

Back in Lymington we were greatly entertained by the fish n chip shop's sign that boasted how healthy it was for take away food because they used only three ingredients: potato, fish and batter. We wanted to ask did they pick their own batter, was it free range or organic!

What we couldn't work out was how somewhere as pretty and scenic as the Isle of Wight with such lovely high standard housing could have so many chavs. Everywhere we went the tacky shit amusement parks and greasy pubs were heaving while the National Trust parkland and swanky eateries were deserted. Godshill village was a classic example. The church which is what the village was built around is up a small hill and here you get the best classic British village photograph. We were the only ones there though and everyone else had only got between the car park and the village high street where every cottage had a menu board outside. Good news is we did have some fab food this weekend far from the madding crowds, also a delish obligatory cream tea. Of course I am intolerant to cream so will pay later.

Well that was good - I had something to write about other than having a new driveway and a massive hole in the kitchen ceiling. The extended driveway is a magnificent thing indeed because the last wife could never persuade him to cough up and do it (versus having grass that was now a mud bath), so it proves I am the most adored and obeyed of all the wives. Quite so :-) But what if he's like Henry VIII?!!!

My house is becoming a palace for sure with our super Polish cleaner on the case. I finally tracked one down by putting an ad in the Reading Polish food shop (fab place that gives you Polish fudge sweeties with your change) and persuaded her to come out into the wilds that is Thatcham. Now I have a cleaner, all feels well again in Marta world.

Friend's new job experience had me laughing

"Oh must tell you. I had a sort of induction yesterday. But when I was told where to stand in the office if I had an accident I just guffawed!
Companies can be so funny!"

So any split nails etc. go stand by the stationery cupboard until someone notices and rescues you. Brilliant!

You've gotta watch this video

http://www.fishki.net/comment.php?id=26900 - let it load first and ensure you have sound on. If I say it's a parrot dancing you'll want to just hit delete but all my friends mailed back saying how they nearly did that but were so glad they didn't as they loved it to bits. Watch the bird in the cage on the left join in too. Jan reckons some men don't even dance that well.

From Carolyn it prompted this great story back:

"I loved this!  It was particularly funny that day
because I had stopped into the animal shelter and a
woman who worked there showed me a cockatiel who had
been brought in and its cage sat next to a cage with
two rats.  Apparently the cockatiel came to believe
the two rats were her children to the point that if
the two rats are removed from her eyesight it screams
and throws a proper fit at about fifty decibels.

The shelter worker demonstrated this and sure enough
the bird flipped out.  Needless to say, they are
trying to get the three of them adopted together at
this point.  I love exotic animals and this video you
sent and my experience that day with the nutty
cockatiel was brilliant.

My crazy kotek (cat) that is now 14 years old from Warsaw is
cleaning out the neighborhood of anything that
resembles a rodent.  When Alex is visiting it becomes
particularly nasty. Chipmunks, birds etc. brought in
half eaten as "presents" for the "king" that is
visiting. Soon he will be jumping the elderly on the
sidewalk in front of out house and bringing them half
eaten through the cat door...

I had no idea that the tradition of offering the best
food to ones visitors in Poland actually extended to
the animals knowing this also, but they do.  Polish
culture is not to be taken lightly or messed about
with!

I am saving the dancing cockatoo on my desktop for a
good laugh when I need it."

I find the flaws that others cannot reach

Andrew's super DVD player that allegedly could play anything has been put to the test. He researched it very thoroughly and one reviewer said "If you do a shit on a plate and put it in, this thing will play it". They lied, not that we have tried that. I really wanted the girl's to see the very funny French film 'Le Placard' or 'The Closet' so ordered the DVD. It will not play on our DVD player. We even got a replacement which started a war with the Amazon seller when their rubbish service led me to give them poor feedback to which they sent me an outraged email but offering me a refund if I took off my comments. Isn't that what feedback is for. It made me wonder if their amazing pages and pages of faultless feedback before mine was down to this bribe and sob story technique. Ain't working on me. Cheek of it.

BROWN PAPER PACKAGES TIED UP WITH INDUSTRIAL ACTION

BROWN PAPER PACKAGES TIED UP WITH INDUSTRIAL ACTION - THIS IS NOT ONE OF MY FAVOURITE THINGS...WHEN MY DOG BITES, THE POSTMAN'S LEG, WHEN I'M FEELING SAD.

This was the fabulous email title from my ever inspirational facilities manager at work

Blogger has gone German

Weird - when I put up a post blogger comes back confirming it in German!

More from Mr Facilities

Spray it again

The final bit of repair work was undertaken yesterday morning, so the fountain should be back in action early next week. We are just getting the lighting replaced (the fish get so annoyed if they can't see where they are going), and then it will be refilled. Bit of H&S info for you - the lower area of the fountain (the bit you park your cars up to), is 4 ft deep and contains some heavy duty steel pipework (the jets) underneath the surface. Not that you are planning on falling in, but please be very careful around there, as there is some sharp nastiness underneath the surface. Similar to my ex-wife then.

Rhesus to be cheerful

The NHS blood bank are on site today from 09.00 to 16.30. They are hiding in a truck to the side of the building. Don't worry about fainting, we definitely won't rush in with a camera and photograph you. No way.

My dad's kitten

We're terrified of it. He thinks humans are not for cute cuddling but to climb up claws out and bite. He's ferocious and doesn't stop. You wave your hand as you talk and he's jumping up to grab on to it. I swear it's hyperactivity in a cat mixed with crocodile wrestling. When we visit we have to ask for him to be shut in another room otherwise it won't be long before we're wondering what the sharp pain is. Is this what they mean when they say families can be stressful?

Smart ass answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Beware of plugin air fresheners

Apparently they are responsible for lots of house fires. So said the email I received today.

Photo sent by my dear friend Carolyn

Here is a photo for your blog. This place is not far from me and is in Hyannis on Cape Cod. Every time I drive by it I think of you and think "I must take a photo of this place, Marta probably owns it and never told anyone".

Distinguishing no 1 from no 2 is like distinguishing Ant from Dec

I had to explain the difference in toilet terms between number 1 and number 2 to Andrew today although he was arguing fiercely that no. 1 is something of more significance, the big kahuna, and it should be the other way around. He proceeded to state it was like distinguishing Ant from Dec, our fabulous UK TV presenters who are always paired up. That made me laugh the leap from piss and shit to Ant and Dec. Ant is always on the left so one system for who's who is that going anti-clockwise you get to Ant. His other system is that Dec is smaller and he thinks of decrement i.e. in "Mathematics The amount by which a variable is decreased; a negative increment" (thanks thefreedictionary.com). Can anyone help me with a system for no 1 and no 2?

Bournemouth on a summer Sunday afternoon

I offered the girls some of the clothes I no longer wore or those that no longer fit well

Katie took me up on the offer. Alas it was to go into her fancy dress box!

20 July 2007 - time to hail an ark. This is Marta shaking the trout out of her shoes...

This was the day I had to abandon my car because Thatcham was flooded. I walked home along the A4 from one end of Thatcham to the other wading through water which was up to me knees in certain parts. Thank heavens we live on bit of a hill and missed being surrounded by a moat unlike others a few roads down.

Katie loves Harry Potter so much

she made a Harry Potter egg. I made an effort and watched 'The Goblet of Fire' film and it was okay. Still don't see myself reading any of the books - have looked at them but the prose did nothing for me whatsoever. However at my friend Mark's writers group there was a chap who did the same genre but so so so much better. In fact watching Harry Potter made me yearn to go back to the writers group to hear another installment.

If I'm not wrong Katie wants Harry Potter to be read to her on her death bed!

What am I supposed to do with these?

From the new horror film

My two loves share a cushion

Marta playing on Andrew's MacBook Pro

Turned me into Jane Goody. I have seen the future and I'm going to put the donut down right now!

Andrew and Katie in Mac Photobooth

Clever clogs

Emma got 4 As and a B, then Katie got all A stars with 98% in Sciences. What a proud step mom I am.

Andrew throwing something together in the kitchen

I asked Andrew for the recipe as it was so delish. I traded the recipe with my work canteen who got me a catering bag of Ebly as that's the only way you can get it or open an account yourself with http://www.vegetarianexpress.co.uk/

"Can't remember exactly what I did but it was something like ...

A stuffing mixture made of cooked ebly, garlic, onion, sun-dried tomato paste, bits of chopped sautéed mushroom, bits of chopped sautéed marrow, toasted pine nuts, parsley or coriander, squirt of thick balsamic. (depends what was in the fridge on the day!!)

Mushroom tower built of big flat mushroom brushed with oil and pre-grilled. Layer of ebly stuffing, slice of big yellow slightly charred courgette, slice of big tomato, slivers of cheese - mozarella or parmesan. Stick under grill till cheese melts. Finally, a couple of sticks of asparagus quickly sautéed in Olive oil with knob of butter, squirt of lemon juice and/or balsamic. Once charred, lovingly draped over the top.

I served with some small cubes of butternut squash, oven roasted with crushed garlic scattered round the base and a little turret of creamy buttery mash!!

Yum yum.

Andrew"

Attack of the Mac boy or is that the look of love?

It all happened over Saturday night dinner with Bruce - there was some geek boy utterings about Macs. Then followed some research over the next few days. I got some emails from Andrew declaring his growing desire. By Friday he was driving down to Southampton to make his first macpurchase as there was no way he could wait 10 days for delivery if he ordered it online. We went away for the weekend. The mac came too and we had great fun in the photo booth but not sure I want to post those photos!

The Mac is very different to use but there is something so stylish and practical about it I am looking forward to replacing my laptop with one in the future now. I was put off by it all being so different but having endured Vista and worse the new MS Office suite (everyone in the house was complaining so much that they could no longer produce even a simple Word document as it was too painful to use, that my beloved early adopter gave in and took it off the shared house desktop. Thank the lawd!), I reckon if I am going to have to get to grips with something new it may as well be Mac. Copying Mac has been a bad move for MS in that respect.

Another meal made by my man good enough to photograph

A scrummy mix of varied veggie finery. I am such a FLB!

Our Facilities Manager writes very cheeky emails

Here's a best of selection. Very entertaining indeed. Names and places changed to protect the not so innocent.

Subject: BOVVERED? WELL YES, I AM AS IT HAPPENS...

Hi All,

Admittedly, it is a bit of a long one this week, but it's as vital to your
well being, as Hollyoaks is to a teenage boy...

Walkways
These have recently been re-carpeted. If I could ask you to leave it a couple of weeks before wandering along them, mobile in one hand, spilling coffee/yoghurt/blood/lard all over the carpet with the other, that would be just fantastic.

Fort Knox Your Set Top Box...
Procurement are taking their name very seriously and will be thieving some PVR boxes from around the building for 24 hours. These will be returned the following day and rigged up again.

If you want someone to blame, please pick a fight with K.T. She is feisty, but also tiny, so a strategically placed hand on the forehead should be enough to keep her at arms length.

First Aid Room
The First Aid Room is located on the ground floor, next to the
security office. If you need to use this room (you need to be
accompanied by a first aider), the key is held by security. If you are
*ahem*...unwell, please a) clear it up b) notify facilities or speak directly to a member of the cleaning team. We had the pleasure
of finding a blanket in there last week that was matted together
with....well......someone's dinner if you're asking. Uncool. Obviously,
this isn't too pleasant, so I would appreciate it, if you could make sure
it is left in a decent condition. This is the First Aiders
responsibility. Unlucky.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi All,

Despite the best efforts of my letting agent to ruin my mood this weekend
and my bank taking a quite undeserved holiday, unfortunately for you, I am
feeling as upbeat and foolish as ever, so lets begin by visiting acronym
central and discussing being PC about the PC......

A poem called 'Monitor the Monitor'
I used to leave it on all day and all of the night,
Because I thought CSR was a load of.......unnecessary stuff,
Then I realised it cost the company loads of cash,
Which brings accounts out in a bit of a rash,
So I turned my monitor off every night,
Not because the company is tight, but because of the worlds carbon plight,
...And the fact that my CO2 emissions over the year rival a 747 flight and I
also get fed up of being (justifiably) nagged by the cleaning team who are
trying to clean my keyboard and when they do it wakes up the PC, which then wastes power blah blah blah.. (admittedly, this bit does not rhyme)...

So there you have it, a highly educational tale of the benefits of turning
of your monitor every night, or if you are away from your desk for a period
of time. At the moment, don't turn off your PC itself as several updates
and other techy stuff occurs overnight and you wouldn't want to miss out on that would you?

Postal Strikes
They aren't striking anymore in the SE and SW London areas, so that's nice. Apparently their arguments were stamped on. They were upset their manager Mark got the sack...and things are never the same post Mark......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Losing your cool?
Playing with garbage is tremendous fun as I am sure any bands who have
supported Girls Aloud can attest, however it's not so much of a giggle
cleaning out the fridges in the kitchenettes and discovering food that has
its own carbon footprint. So much so, that it can walk itself to the bin.
If you have stuff with a limited shelf life (all I am saying G is 'no
it's not fashionable again'...), please remember to throw it away if you
don't eat it. Call me oddball, but I always thought the general idea was
to eat food you brought in, but apparently I am wrong in this.

Disabled Parking Bays
Are you disabled? Park in these. You're not disabled? Oh in that case,
don't park here. You'll no doubt be looking for one of the other 900 spaces
to park in. There's loads of them. Go on!..treat yourself and take your
pick of them.

They Came, They Sawed, They Conkered?
In a pointless piece of work not seen since the Millennium Dome was
conceived, Xshire Highways came (as promised) to cut back the tree on the path outside the building that obstructs some of you from coming into work. They did come. They did cut back a tree. On the other side of the road. Well done them. They have now returned and cut the other one, so my apologies for the delay. The zebra crossing is still under discussion with X District
Council. Apparently he is not keen to sign the release forms at the zoo.

-----------------------------------------
The first broadcast email subject line was "FREE ALCOHOL AND CIGARETTES"

Hi All,

Not really, but now I have your attention. Stop sitting on the edge of your
seat, biting your fingernails (or false ones AS) waiting for the
facilities e-mail, the wait is over. I bet you can't wait to read it through
from beginning to end as it only takes 1 minute, (definitely NOT deleting
it, then e-mailing me asking me questions which I answered in the e-mail)

Captain Tortue
Despite sounding like a pasta wielding swashbuckler, this is in fact a range of children's clothing that will be for sale in the café until 14.00 today. Despite the stuff being French, (thus being imbued with Gallic charm, a certain je ne sais quoi if you will), there is no requirement to listen to Sacha Distel whilst wearing the aforementioned items.

Speed Limits
The speed limit on all areas of the X site is 5 mph. It appears that several cars on site have malfunctioning speedometers, so just for them, 5mph is walking pace. JF was almost knocked over at 9.15 on Tuesday morning by someone who was speeding around the site despite the fact he was wearing a high visibility jacket. Please bear in mind, that people are always on site in the car parking areas, so it would be lovely if we could try and avoid killing them. It creates an awful lot of paperwork for us to fill out too.

First Aiders
Can you come to our aid? I'll cut to the chase, this is not a stitch up, we
are looking for the new Kissit, Mendit and Stitchit for the X site.
Rather than plaster posters everywhere, we thought e-mail the best solution as it saves time. Eye nose you are all; thinking 'whats the bleeding clot pouring his heart about now?', but I am not being a pain, but in a serious vein, your building needs you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi All,

In celebration of this new e-mail, I have changed my font. I thought it
would change the type of e- mail I write (like what I did there?).....

''Dance like no one's looking, love like you've never been hurt, send career
limiting e-mails like you're not frightened of receiving your P45”
Excellent advice indeed.

Anyway...onwards to information central (Don't Google it, there is no such
place)...

Fire Drill
This would make a dangerous and frankly ineffective DIY tool. Anyway, we
live in testing times, and as such are adding additional fire alarm tests at …..

Fountain
The fountain will be emptied and cleaned this weekend, so if you
are on site this weekend, please exercise caution in this area. If you do
not own a pet named caution, don't worry too much.

Join me again same time same place next week. You've been a lovely
audience...

Any questions, e-mail me, call me or come talk to me.

Best regards
R

Katie's classic no. 408

Katie: Marta
Marta: Yes
Katie: Have you done yoga?
Marta: Yes I have
Katie: Do you fart when you do yoga?

Katie's classic no.409

I like any music where you can dance in the style of a robot doing DIY.

Bruce has some superb quotes at the end of his emails

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." - Bertrand Russell

"Furious activity is no substitute for understanding." - HH Williams

Butterfly dreams

March this year I went with Andrew to visit my mum in North Wales and stayed at a Vegetarian guest house - very nice it was too. I dreamt of lots of butterflies and when I woke up walked into the bathroom where a butterfly was trying to get out of the window. Spooky or did I just see it in a semi awake state?

Medical diagnosis at Woolworths

Shopping at woolies.

One day, in a queue at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs $20.00 .....a lot quicker than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies.

He deposits $20.00, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits $20.00, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

"1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor).

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies"

Strange strange dream - keep axes away from me

This am I had the most random dream ever. I was standing by a double grave of 2 people I had killed explaining about it to a friend. The fact I killed them was somehow not a really bad thing. 1 was Madonna and the other a guy called Bill who I had found on the Internet and he had asked to be killed by having his head sliced off. Bill was not called Bill but something else except I kept forgetting his real name so called him Bill anyway. I called up the ghost of Bill and we were having a chat about my killing him and he was saying how he and the other ghost i.e. Madonna were having a really good time as ghosts. They had joined the recording session of the Stereophonics last album and played guitar on it with no-one knowing except people thinking the guitar track sounded wondrously good!

Help - I don't even eat cheese!

But then a friend had this one ... "I dreamt that my brother had inhabited my body and I wanted to squeeze a blackhead on his / my hairline and wondered if and who it would hurt?"

What's the weirdest dream you've ever had?

And now a plug for Russian lessons

from the wife of a dear friend and Mars excolleague - http://www.russianlingo.co.uk/index.html

Never trust a man in a leotard is what I say. Don't buy cars off any of them.

I put on my one piece to do my exercise bike one Sunday morning, declaring to my step daughters it was a hoo ha suit. They asked why it was called a hoo ha suit. I looked stunned "I don't know. I just made it up."

Then on the bike I realised it must be because as you toil on the bike you can pant "Hoo" "Ha" "Hoo" "Ha" to help you along. That made sense to all who laughed at me - they were laughing anyway as I looked pretty funny.

My sporty number made Andrew feel lazy so he decided to use the bike too and we told him he has to wear the hoo ha suit too. So for a laugh he did. Katie was horrified declaring "No one should be made to look at that!"

A bunch of ladies visiting the neighbours walked past the house which is extremely rare and looked through our living room window only to see this weirdo in a ladies leotard on the exercise bike behind the sofa. They were in stitches. So you see you are never safe to dress up in your own home.

Kaspersky kicks Norton's butt

Andrew told me about a fab new Anti-Virus tool which in tests came out head and shoulders above Norton. Just started using it and it is great. Laptop running faster without the Norton stuff too. Happy camper is me.

Photos now available

See http://photos.norniak.co.uk for latest holiday photos. I really like the Picasa Google thing and that it is all linked to one account.

Is this my new man?

Na, but I do have a huge soft spot for Shrek. This was our day at Universal Studios which was lots of fun even if like me you don't like roller coasters. The closest I got was sat calmly eating my hot dog when suddenly a wave of water came from nowhere (or rather the final slide in the Jurassic Park ride) and drenched us. I saw it in slow motion but couldn't move fast enough to escape. Luckily that was one of the few hot days. Can you believe I left boiling hot UK for cold windy California? What's going on with the world's weather?

Not San Diego's best Mexican at all

The race track - where boulders move all by themselves!!!

Off road in Death Valley

Click to see Marta's new home n family

Now this is the life. Two bright intelligent talented daughters (15 and 17) I'm so proud of with no labour pains and no sleepless nights. Just find single dad who has them every other week. A very lovely man who is shown here making us fresh pasta. It's a lot of fun and they're definitely a selling point rather than a problem. Where else would I hear great stories like "In Home Economics I made bread but it looked like a chicken"? I miss them when they go back to their mum's but the doing what we like again and long lie-ins is good too. So now I'm living in Newbury - like my cat Ophelia I felt instantly at home here with these wonderful guys. I am particularly amused by how they snap up my wardrobe cast offs to go into their dressing up box! Only drawback is the trash TV they like to watch - I thought I was going to have to shoot myself in the head while watching 'Shipwrecked'. I'll have them switched to appreciating Ronnie Scott's soon. One is already a sax player amongst other things so I have plenty of optimism. It's a big change for me with these extra responsibilities as I now go to see them perform in classical music concerts and have volunteered to help with the learning to drive too.

My new family

Here are Andrew's daughters, Katie and Emma. Honeymoon pics follow.

Arenal - Costa Rica

Sunbathers at La Fortuna waterfall

Volcano viewed from hot springs which were part of the hotel as well as the spa and better still zip line canopy tour. Hotel URL below http://www.arenalparaiso.com/english/main.htm

Yes that's lava from the volcano

A regular occurence only visible when dark enough. Here we are watching it from bed. Cool or what?

Andrew experiencing the best zip lines in Costa Rica over the river and above the canopy. I got to the first platform expecting a gentle start, quivered with vertigo at the valley below and couldn't see the end of the line even so bottled it and fled to negotiate a refund while my heart still functioned.

Don't blink - this is Tambor airport. All you get is a shelter and small car park. Not even a loo!

This was a crazy morning - the car rental guy having agreed to be at the office at 8am when they opened to receive the car and take us to the regional airport for our 9am flight, wasn't there so luckily the gift shop had his mobile. He was some 15 km away in another office so just said leave the car open and the keys under the carpet in the airport parking.

Playing airport

After check-in, with highly technical list on clip board from guy who arrived casually 20 minutes after we should have checked in, this was weighing the luggage before boarding the 12 seater Cessna. Excellent take off on run way that ends in the sea or with a beautiful view of a bay as we climb to the clouds.

Shuttle from Arenal to Tambor...

included a ferry ride from Puntarenas which was breathtaking. There was a disco on the top deck and a cockerel crowing non stop. Plenty of tiny beaches and islands along the way. I didn't get sea sick for once but then I had taken the pills hours before.

Montezuma. Here is this beautiful resort town in high season!

On the way to climb a waterfall (yes really climb up a waterfall and cling onto an at times vertical river bank to see a better waterfall with cool pool to swim in - they don't do tourist paths very often in Costa Rica) we say a Cappuchin monkey.

Mal Pais

Ms Shipwrecked - isn't that the worst TV programme ever. Watched 5 minutes and wanted to relieve my misery by shooting myself in the head. Nooooooo!

Rocky beach near hotel

The main road

The roads definitely demanded a 4WD and that made it a pretty memorable holiday too.

Roads were terrible so even short trips in the beach resort were an adventure. We cracked up laughing when they told us how much money had been invested and the roads were 100% better now.

Bathroom blues and sea greens

A rain shower in the rain forest with a sea view. Lovely!

I don't think so, thanks

Santa Teresa

Glorious stretch of very empty beach at Santa Teresa

I have developed an obsession with hammocks.

Discrete front of a restaurant and cheap hotel/camp site

Massage hut with view of the beach as you are soothed with sounds of the waves too.

When do I get to go back?

3rd hotel of the trip. Here I am enjoying the sea view over jungle (complete with monkeys, exotic birds and lizards which liked to scamper on the roof all the time) from my beloved hammock on the terrace of one of three private villas at the celebrity hideaway hidden in Mal Pais. How else could I share a bed with Leonardo and I can compete with his model girlfriend Giselle's legs in this photo too.

We both tried sitting in the hammock as Andrew's logic it must take two bodies otherwise they'd have given us two hammocks - right. Bit of a pain that we had to share the pool with two other people but we never saw them until the last day and we commandeered the poolside for a romantic moonlit Valentine's dinner cooked by the private chef Matt who was a bit too actor turned surfer dude/chef for us to have much confidence in his culinary ability, but he could say "Awesome" with the gusto of Bill and Ted.

Got terrified when we had a gecko in the room on the ceiling and in the middle night I thought it had fallen onto the bed between us. I started screaming and trying to throw it off the bed but found it was only Andrew's hand ... http://www.hotelcasachameleon.com/