Neighbourhood wars - a hark back

Looking up Maria's address, hotmail has this cool new function of showing emails received from that person and I found this one which made me laugh. The tragedy of Marta life comes up as comedy.

"I´ve just stopped laughing after reading your latest neighbour-update! This is perfect material for your next film or book! But seriously, I can´t believe this is happening in 2002. Hang in there!

Love, Maria"

Marta wrote:

David, the real fruit loop alcoholic needing anger management counselling, who lives in the garage next to our flats, started rowing with me in the street calling me a bitch, telling me I was the root of all the problems anyone has ever had here, how awful I was asking Cliff to clear up his compost heap from the front of the flats (fair request I thought - a daffodil growing in it or not, he doesn't have one outside his front door)and how I was the devil incarnate etc. So Armen came out and started beating him up. 5 seconds later he was the most reasonable man on the planet - listened to my side of the story about the parking drama and then apologised! Promised it wasn't him who superglued our locks.

I was fine apart from being very upset after the point he calmed down.Until then it was fully battle armed spitting venom back, having had common sense calm reasoning met only with continual abuse. Armen kicked him and punched him - one of each only and suddenly he started talking and listening after squeaking out a "I'll call the police". I think I'll try that technique with colleagues at work that don't listen and that like to shout at me - just beat them into submission. Thinking of Mr Director that said to me "Now put your big ears on and listen. You are talking to a Director". I think I told him I had heard and was going to decide whether it was worth actioning. I so like a P45. Armen told David if he had a problem with something either of us do, to come talk to us like a 'real' man rather than gossip to everyone like some old woman. Armen said he never thought he had superglued our lock because if he did he would have been straight over to Dave and neither cared about police, nor prison. He's just brought us a box of chocs and Armen's given him a bottle of wine back. Ain't life weird?

Sometimes you need to make the person you fear, fear you. Perhaps one of my short films should be about that. I've tried it in real life before too. There was this weirdo when I was temping at the local council who was stalking and staring at us (that is my lunch buddy Amelia and I) as we tried to have our lunchtime picnic in Bournemouth Gardens. "Right I've had enough of this cat and mouse business. He's there again. Let's see how he likes it." as I whipped up the blanket and strolled indignantly in his direction. He ran!

Actually I'm really disappointed - not speaking to eachother meant I didn't have to listen to all the shit he comes out with. I would blank him when we passed eacother and it wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable anymore. He just didn't exist and therefore it wasn't a problem. The row started because he demanded to know when I'd be moving my ass out of the flats. He's asked us to keep a spare key to his garage in case he comes back early from France (finally the English wreak revenge by sending David to do painting and decorating there). He is the slowest P&D ever and least cost effective. There's a cup of tea every hour and he spends the whole time chatting with the world from his ladder. I think we got the key because he rowed with one of the other flat owners yesterday that he's normally friends with. Probably was all warmed up and ready to row with everyone.

So all those living in houses (especially detached), be very grateful. All those thinking of buying, avoid flats!

Marta

Belated postcard from Mauritius

12th November 2007

Hello there

Having a great time. Were a wee bit worried when the rain started last night and poured on right through to mid morning. Thought we were gonna be those holiday makers taking videos of the rain before the cyclone hit. But no, it cleared up and was hot enough for another day by the pool. Today we had some of the complimentary celebrate love package (you get it if you book a suite for 7 nights and it is an excellent incentive) so a full body aromatherapy massage on the beach in the afternoon and a 6 course gourmet dinner served by the beach or on our balcony. We went for our balcony as there were 3 other couples by the pool and we like to see what's on the plate we are eating from. The table was decorated with flowers and it really felt very special indeed, right down to the guitarist performing in the midst of our billowing chiffon drapes in the door way to the balcony. It was yummy food and the best steak I've ever had in my life. That was unexpected as outside the hotel the restaurants are very shabby chic and you feel you are being fed by someone's grandpa while you sit in the middle of a flea market when plastic tables and chairs of a bygone era are going cheap. The town of Pereybere is not the exclusive retreat of the jet set I had somewhat imagined given the price of Mauritius holidays, but bloody relaxing and hot all the same which will do us fine and the hotel is fab. It does feel like a second fake honeymoon.

There's a huge amount of other free stuff at the hotel but as we're not water lovers we won't make use of it. The service is top notch and we particularly like it when they suddenly turn up at your sun bed with fried battered cod nibbles and a Mai Tai or Bergamot tea with cake. They do laundry for free which is good as the one pair of summer trousers that still fit my new ginormous backside were stained with insect repellent that had leaked in the luggage. I should have sprayed it on the plane as within 1 hour I got bit by something that gives me an allergic reaction and I now sport an itchy golf ball lump on my ankle.
Cockroach type things keep falling on me too. Had the second one just before the branch fell on me (well twigs really) as I was under the tree being massaged. The first was as sat down in a restaurant ready to enjoy the sega dance show. The beach is tiny but lovely with rocks and sailing boats in turquoise water to die for. Shame you can't walk anywhere on the beach though. There is piped music in the bathroom which is supposed to be the same relaxing stuff you can hear under water in the pool but not sure where the shake rattle rock and roll number fitted into that zen music experience.
Three things are weighing heavily on my mind and trying to ruin the holiday for me. First is the lizard living on our ceiling that comes out at night - I really don't do reptiles. Second is the dead kitten on a bit of waste ground right outside the hotel which has broken my heart and third is the skinny cat in the hotel grounds that I keep buying food for as I don't want him to go the same way but what happens when I leave makes me feel sad too.

Today we witnessed a bollywood movie being made in the restaurant just along from us on the sea front. First we thought it was someone's dad with a microphone showing off but then they were shouting the universal language of "silence on set and action". Tomorrow we may get the courage to expand our horizons and see the next town and then maybe the capital, and by the end of the week we'd have had a sight seeing day to the highest and prettiest points of this small island.

So I wonder how things are at work on the Basingstoke Riviera. Andrew has told me I am not allowed to QC my new website. Finding it very easy to sleep a lot and do nothing at all except make fun of the guest who looks like Rod Hull as we wonder what he's done with Emu and laugh at how every time a fish leaps out of the coy pond it sounds like someone doing a big poo. Did I really write that?

Must go - the mossies are coming. Aren't holidays great!

very best

Marta (and Andrew) xxx

Diary of a dog versus diary of a cat

DOG's DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



CAT's DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I must nevertheless eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrated what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event, however, I could still hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The original treadmill dancers I believe and the best

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=pv5zWaTEVkI

OK GO

Blood type is the new horoscope

I found notes I made from reading a book on living and eating right for my blood type. It's the new star sign I swear. It is so me. First thing notes say is...
"Leader, extroversion, energy, focus
Not good under stress, express anger when stressed, sensation-seeking, impulsivity"
and then lots of good advice on how to be less of a lunatic.

Peter Kay one liners

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure

Excerpts from church bulletins

They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters, misspellings, bad sentence construction or choice of words all make for fun reading. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again, 'giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy

Some great things to contemplate here

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the

spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below

average.

6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second

mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some

people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad

memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending

machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple

of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?

Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're

in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness

pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without

sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked

into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death,

twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person

wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we

would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why

some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more

like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might

burn your ass tomorrow.

Thanks Bruce for this amazingly confusing sign

How exactly do you dial 999 for the Coastguard?!

The day my world went disco - partial sight loss thanks to PVD (Posterior Vitreous Detachment)

I am going to share my experience of getting PVD in my left eye on my blog in case it helps anyone else who has this horrible thing happen to them come to terms with it and to know as dreadful as it is at first it really does get better, even though you feel blind to begin with. I was 36 and it is not supposed to happen to people under 60 which made me feel particularly cursed. Before it happened I had taken a lot of flights - nearly a dozen just in the month of March travelling from the the UK to Argentina and all over Argentina. I don't know if that was a factor at all. I found it very helpful to read and engage with the forum at http://www.rnib.org.uk/messageboard/thread.php?threadID=5547&topicSort=&msgSort=desc.

Marta in June 2008: "Dear friends. Life really is a bitch. Just as I get the dream house by the sea and dream job then WAM! I can't believe the timing but part of my left eye has liquefied and become detached (called PVD - posterior vitreous detachment), and is now a big bit of jelly moving around the centre of my eye which makes my eyesight feel blurred as if I have not put my glasses on yet but the eye Dr in casualty I saw yesterday in a panic, says it can take months or years to go so I will need to get used to the flashing and they will monitor me every few weeks to ensure it is not tearing the retina as it travels around. It either goes or your brain gets used to the blur/flashing and ignores it. Not a great time to leave your job that had private medical insurance and decent sick pay. I have to try to relax about my eyes as the blurriness can provoke migraines. God help me. I also just cancelled my critical illness insurance as I am selling my house in Bracknell. Doh!

It happened Friday and brought on a hideously painful 4 day migraine (and I had a horrid 3 day one the last weekend) so I thought I was just having an extraordinarily long episode of blurred vision but when finally the pain went I still had the weird sight. The pain was bad enough. My usual migraine pills did nowt again so I went to the Dr who gave me codeine but I discovered that makes me horribly nauseaus. It's been a crap few days indeed and for the forseeable future life is a blur. I can still see everything but takes a bit more work to. You know when you've looked at a bright window with vertical blinds and look away you have the imprint and you see flashy bits - that's what it is like all the time and you don't feel as if you have the whole picture. All computer monitors seem to need serious adjusting and sometimes my hands on the keyboard seem like ghost hands which freaks me out. I'm sad about it but trying to remain positive and get on with it taking it day by day as to how it will affect me.

Fortunately it is not serious and quite common although it is very irritating. Right now it is taking a lot of getting used to and I do not feel confident to drive but am going to have to try with Andrew with me to begin with. I'm worried abut driving and being able to work. At least I have a smaller mortgage now but still concerns me greatly. Andrew was laughing if it were worse he'd be able to decorate the house however he wanted and I would not know. He thinks on the upside I won't be able to see him age. You'll have to let me know if I start making worse typos in my emails or missing stuff visually - or if Andrew paints any rooms weird colours ;-). I think I should retire rather than start a new job but at least I am going to live somewhere famous for old decrepit people so I will be surrounded by my own kind :-)"

Update in September 2008 on RNIB forum I joined: "Just wanted to write an update for the benefit of all those suddenly trying to cope with PVD. That was me back in early June of this year - so 3 months ago. I thought I was losing my sight altogether, was totally freaked out and wondering how I'd be able to drive or use a computer etc. It started with this flashing ball in my line of sight like a bouncing pulsating disco zebra. But I was changing job and moving house so had to go with the flow and get on with it.

I moved to Bournemouth from Reading area so took the opportunity to sneak in a second opinion which was worse news than the first visit. At least I felt to have a thorough check up with goo put on my eye and this magnifier put right on my eye. I would never have thought before I would have coped with that. Verdict was "Yes you have PVD in your left eye and it won't get better, in fact it could get worse and it could happen in your right eye. Avoid bumps to your head." I felt gutted.

The nurse gave me a helpful leaflet which, as many say, is basically telling you to live with it, it is not serious, it is irritating but you will get used to it and over months or years the floater will go. The leaflet also said the changes to be alert for and rush back in for are sudden rush of floaters, sudden change in or loss of vision, a dark shadow or curtain effect or flashing lights getting worse.

I can safely say that it is so so much better now and most of the time I forget I have PVD because I/my brain have adjusted. The biggest adjustment I have had to make is getting my sunglasses made darker. Using the laptop in the morning can be blurry to start off with some times as if my eyes are still demisting.

I can drive (long periods like over 5 hours and my eyes can ache though with the concentration on the road) and use a computer with no need to adjust settings. I can even cope with white screens although I loathed them at first. Walking into a bright sunny day without my sunglasses is tougher and takes a while to recover.

Once in a while, like in a meeting this week, I suddenly notice that the world is going fuzzy "like you have had too much wine" as the song says and I can feel a bit bewildered but then I am being asked how to solve a problem. Before I know it I have forgotten about the eye problem all together. I need to remain aware of what symptoms to look out for which could mean my retina is being torn as that needs surgery right away to avoid losing sight.

I think the worse thing you can do is dwell on it, fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself (especially as the doctors can be very cold and no-one else understands what you are going through) and let it interfere with life. The brain/body has a wonderful way of adapting. If you move your brain's focus to something else, which is not hard for me as I have a demanding job leading a digital team in an advertising agency and hardly have a moment to myself even in my spare time with a new house always full of DIY to do or guests to entertain, then you do not notice the PVD weirdness. If I think about it or write about it then I notice the blurriness.

My partner it turns out has had floaters for ages which can drive him mad. He says the same in that when he thinks about them it is worse, although bright rooms on a sunny day can be hard for him. He has not even mentioned to me that he had them for the year we were already together as he was so used to it.

Positive mental attitude goes a long way especially in being able to laugh at yourself. As a female I have always lived up to the stereo type of impaired spatial awareness and now it is seriously in deficit with the PVD to boot. Watch me trying to hit a ball with a racquet or swat a fly - I don't have a cats chance in hell.

The worst of it is if I forget and rub my eye hard - that is a dumb thing to do Marta no matter how itchy it is. Then things get very fuzzy for a bit. My spatial deficit also seems to make me more prone to hitting my head. A classic was my partner asking me to admire his work on the house up near the gutters. I stood back and tilted my head back to look way up there, only to bash it on a fence post behind me. I try to be careful but at this rate I better work hard on maintaining a positive outlook long term no matter what comes.

I have got used to missing some normal vision and life goes on. After I have visited the eye specialists (only twice) my sight is really blurry coz of the liquid they put on your eye and it makes me thankful I can see better than that!

Well this has been my experience and I appreciate everyone is different but I hope it gives hope to people newly diagnosed and panicking. If that's you, then I send you a great big hug because it does feel awfully scary."

PVD means I find something wet and warm under my hand

This year I got PVD in my left eye. What a year it has been! My already dire spatial awareness has been further impaired but it did have a funny consequence. While working at an agency I was standing next to the designer talking about some designs on his screen. I put my hand on his desk to steady myself and immediately felt something warm and wet under my hand. All sorts of things flashed through my mind before I looked down to see if was a slice of breakfast pizza baguette!

PVD is posterior vitreous detachment.

Robin becomes an insurance disaster story

Robin: "Will I be one of those stories insurance companies publish about ludicrous claims...? I was down in Dorset for the weekend with the school doing outward boundy sort of things.

I parked in a field and walked down to where a bunch of posh and hormonal 15 year olds were attempting canoeing and came back to find a mucus coloured wreck with dangling wing mirrors and a lump bitten out of the soft-top. I managed to fix the mirrors and stuck gaffer tape to the roof but it just peeled off...it don't stick too well to cow spit. The girls thought it a huge joke ha bloody ha.

I had to finish the day off with my wounded motor car then the only way to get back without bits flapping was with the top down...in the dark! I mean, 10 for cool...or as cool as you can look in a car covered in bovine sputum but by the time I got home my legs were toasty but my upper half was welded into position, my hair was a frosty fright-wig and my frozen fingers had to be prised from the wheel.

Other than that, not a bad weekend, thank you."

Funny stuff

I like clever use of theatre props and men in black, especially the Matrix style ping pong - http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=-dcmDscwEcI and for Karate http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=4Dv13HOn4xY&feature=related and finally http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=yyU0pe6EFBQ&feature=related which should have been on the generation game.

If you miss the X Factor then you could well love this - http://www.rathergood.com/sex_factor

Remembering that fab international evening in Bracknell Arts Centre

I miss living abroad but it's great to have an international evening out. Must try to make more foreign bonkers friends here in Bournemouth. Having a good clear out and found an email about this fun night out in 2005.

"I went to a concert before Xmas with a very international crowd which I like - French, Hungarian, Russian, Armenian, Polish (me), American and 2 Brits. The band was very good, altho' we weren't supporting Timi (my housemate) after all because they were Romanian, not Hungarian as advertised. It was raucous as promised and the gypsy songs were really funny:

"The Stuffed Cabbage” song
“a real man has 3 knives and a pistol in his boot”
“my darling don't look at my trousers”, plus
“last summer you were shy but this summer you learnt how to make cheese and how to make love”!

What a relief everyone enjoyed it as I organised it. We also danced on stage with them which was fun at first (kind of Greek) but then it got so fast, then faster again, it was like high impact aerobics and I was crying for mercy. I had to give up before the end but hung in there for a good 5 minutes of flailing limbs AND I was wearing my world famous boots!

This event was closely followed by the 2nd work team Xmas at the Olympic Greek Restaurant in Camberley which will have to remain a tradition because we can't find anything more fun. We had a whale of a time at Greek night. I love my team so much (they're all such great people, competent and fun too) and felt deep pride that the whole of our table (7) was up dancing, belly dancing, twisting, jiving, singing, smashing plates and mingling from the word go. We are not wall flowers - not if I have anything to do with it!

Anyway just wanted to capture the memory of those 2 fab nights. Ok so I live in the UK but it is a great place to experience various cultures in various ways."

Not topical but this song still makes me laugh

http://mirell.org/swf/london_underground.swf

Warning: contains extreme swearing

Get ready to blub - just me then

"WHY ANIMALS DON'T LIVE AS LONG AS PEOPLE
(Copied - Author unknown)
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish
Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owner, his wife, and their little boy were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, the owners told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old boy to observe the procedure. They felt he could learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family
surrounded him. The little boy seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. The little boy, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me - I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "Everybody is born so that they can learn how to live a good life - like loving everybody and being nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, animals already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

FW: Definitions of Wisdom

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed

Violence is sometimes the answer

I learn various things as I get older - one is that violence can work and sometimes is the only answer. I had neighbour issues once (inc my front door being glued) and the main protaganist, a drunk who told lies about me that others believed would not listen to sense. It was very stressful and he was trying to intimidate me to move out. I met him outside the flats one day and in response to his intimidation I tried to reason with him as a human being that the story he believed to be true simply was not. He would not listen. Then when my Armenian husband come galahad heard him start calling me names he came out to defend my honour by yelling "Hey mother fucker, come here" and proceeded to hit him. It was all very emotional. I started crying and finally having been slugged a few times the clouds parted, the sun came out and he was suddenly able to accept the truth. He was really sorry and begged forgiveness. He came round 15 mins later with a box of chocs and Armen sent him off with some wine as a peace exchange. Most bizarre. Every Xmas card the band of thugs were still saying sorry they felt so bad and rightly they should as I was terrified of coming home for a period and it made me very depressed.

How did it all start? Some visitors of people renting flats could not find a space so parked next door and got clamped. The people renting complained to their landlord who was also the freeholder. He sent a letter saying if we didn't park on our own space we would be clamped from now on. We all parked in different places for various reasons. I parked at the bottom of the hill purely because I have crap spatial awareness and didn't want to hit the cars as I reversed from near my flat. The taxi driver wanted his car in front of his window for security and similarly so did the carpet fitter as he had expensive tools inside his van. I reckoned some organisation and negotiation was needed. I drew up a plan and spoke to each flat agreeing where they would park, which spots were for visitors and listing all our registration numbers not to be clamped. Trouble is in trying to improve the situation a few decided that it had been me that had organised the clamping too when it wasn't at all. This was a good lesson in why you should not go out of your way to help sometimes.

Polish hospitality at Xmas and the kulig ride in the snow

What I love about Polish culture is that it is so unselfish e.g. on Xmas eve which is the big celebration, tradition has it you lay an extra place and put a candle in the window lest someone is lost in the snow so they can enjoy Xmas Eve with you. I define hospitality as sitting 8 around a table for 4 happily. I was really sad when I heard a friend spent Xmas alone because when he asked his sister to join them, she said he hadn't given enough notice. Needless to say they weren't Polish.

I was thinking how much I'd like to do a kulig again. "There were a lot of festivity during the carnival in Poland - feasts, balls, weddings, masquerades and hunting. One of the colorful customs during this time is a festivity called Kulig. It originated with the gentry, but was practiced to different degrees by most of the population. The closest neighbors arranged the sleigh ride at night, visiting other homes. The suprised host had to receive the unexpected guests with everything in the cellar and pantry, after which he joined the party, which set out for the next house. At each house there was not only feasting, but dancing as well. Men and women, wrapped in furs, went on sleigh; the servants on horseback holding lighted torches. It was an unusually colorful and noisy sight, where intoxicated and merry men fired shots to just for fun of it." (Source: www.polstore.com/html/kulig.html)

I have only been on one kulig but it was brilliant. I went on a Polish holiday by myself which included 5 days over the New Year in the mountains adjacent to the Eastern border. It was so much fun.

The Polish countryside has some weird trippy features by the way - now you are going to know I am crazy but twice I have experienced a weird time warp phenomena but only in woods in Poland and two different sets. The woods are alive and magical. No I wasn't eating any mushrooms either. They're the kind of tales you tell around a camp fire. Will have to blog about those too.

Back to the kulig I went on or I would have felt the need to tell you a host of stories. The local farmer brought round his horses and cart. Wheels are replaced with skis and seats are planks of wood covered with hay for upholstery and then blankets. You climb on and weave your way through snowy countryside drinking vodka to keep warm and being taught Poland's dirtiest songs.

One I remember goes something like:

Can a normal fish ravage a whale?

Chorus:
Of course, why not
He needs it too
4 times times 2
8 times one by one
And in the morning again

Can you make a baby with a healthy girl in a bath?
Chorus

Rude rude Poles. Check out my facebook videos for rude games played at Polish weddings. A favourite game at New Years is taking a girl and boy and two sleeping bags zipped together. They stand inside and the challenge is to come out wearing each others clothes.

So the kulig. You take it in turns to ride on the sledge at the back. It's really good fun. Then you come back to toast sausages on a massive open fire. Usually I hate New Years Eve and find it an anticlimax but the two mountain ones have been great and the one last year in Luxor was awesome too. The hotel put on a pirate theme and the entertainment and food was awesome. Luxor was wonderful and I'd go back several times which is rare for me to say about a holiday destination. In fact dad wants to live somewhere with a better climate so I am getting him to check out Luxor.

I made a friend at the Polish mountain one - a waiter who said he was psychic. I tested him by asking questions about me and he got all of them right. He was the one who told me I'd pop my clogs at 46. He some freaky stuff indeed and in the end scared me a bit. One funny thing was that has asked if I'd like to accompany him on a walk to get more vodka. So we set off at 11pm and I was thinking to some late night shop but no we were knocking on doors in the village asking if they had any vodka.

My mum and I

My mum is just awesome although she drives me nuts like you would not believe. Packing my handbag for me is too much. She's also extremely embarrassing. Like the time we were out having a pub lunch. I arrived and my brother who as mentioned is stuck in about age 11 roared at the top of his voice "She's here!". Then we sat down and she was bringing me up to date with this old guy she'd been dating and was complaining he kissed using his teeth. "I'd dread to think what he'd do if I gave him my nipple." she said and I felt the woman in the family sharing the table with us jump. She likes to tell people about the stretch marks which I got when I went to live in Poland and got fat. She likes to tell complete strangers her complete life story. She's always been very proud of my achievements and it was weird as a teen turning up to the newsagents and being congratulated by the shop owner on my exam results.

When she came to this country the second job she got was as a welder making car parts. Just realised the irony of that with my main usability client being a seller of car parts! When pregnant with my brother she was welding and got caught drinking Mackinsons for the iron in her break. She and her friend Kazia gossiped all the time but had the highest productivity level - no one could understand it as they hardly stopped for breath. She was absolutely stunning and when she arrived to work in a little ensemble she had sewn up herself of fake leopard print hotpants and waistcoat she would literally stop the traffic on the factory floor as they all watched her walk through. She had learnt to be a seamstress because my very conservative very religious grandfather had not wanted her to have a job where she worked with men. Of course the first job she got when she got to England aged 19 with no English was working for the RAF measuring pilot's inside legs so that kind of backfired big time on granddad.

My family were very poor in Poland. They lived in the best house in the village because it had wooden floors and that was because granny was their housekeeper. Mum had one dress and she had to stay in bed all Saturday so that gran could wash n dry it ready to be clean for church on Sunday. She had one pair of shoes so could not wear them in summer months and went barefoot not to wear them out. Her fav thing to do was to sit in a tree and read books with her nanny goat waiting below and if she climbed too high such that the goat could not see her the goat would make a right old fuss. The neighbours boy was in love with mum and tried to get her attention by dropping a load of stinging nettles on top of her while she slept one night through the open window. Boys! She met my dad because he was from the neighbouring village and she always had time to get ready for his arrival because grandmother would spot him skiing down the hills towards the house. Isn't that quaint? My mum saw her grandmother in a dream the night she died. My grandmother did the same. We're all witches of a sort.

I read today about a cable car tower coming loose stranding people in Whistler - it reminded me of when I was in the Slovakian mountains for a New Year shin dig with a bunch of people I didn't know and one friend. We went for a walk and did the cable car part way up all fine. The adventurous were going to head down through deep snow and I decided to join the lot going down more casually in the cable car. Except I was suddenly struck with fear, shaking and crying. They could not get me off that mountain and people were no doubt asking "Who the hell brought that mad woman along?" So all but my friend went down. She tried to ply me with alcohol and after an hour in the cafe at the top I was persuaded to make an exit in a cable car. A couple of days later one of those cable cars dropped and killed 4 people! I can't explain where some of my feelings / knowledge derives from but I wish it would help me pick better lottery numbers.

Mum has always had gumption - she once stopped a nasty fight on Aylesbury High Street while the attacker just threw other men aside who were trying to stop him from kicking this guy lying on the floor. Even as a girl she was the one that walked the school teachers back to their houses at night because they were scared. When the boys in the village climbed out from under the bridge dressed as the devil as mum made her own way back in the silvery moonlight, she stamped hard on the devil's hand and he screamed "Maria - why do you have to ruin everything?". I can see how a lot of me comes from my mum.

Penguin dreams

Recently I dreamt a penguin was living in my letter box. Cool or what?

Fantasizing about a postbox

I returned from the doctors and passed our local postbox which bugs the hell out of me because it is really faded and scruffy. It is crying out to be painted. I fantasize about getting out at 2am one morning and giving it a make over. Some nice Paul Smith style stripes I think. I seriously am considering this. Only you will know my secret.

This is so cool

To generate a South Park character go to www.sp-studio.de

Warrior women of Bracknell back from the dance show just about intact

Pictured Natasha, Marta and Sarah

The Arts Centre made a big mistake. They promoted a male modern dance troupe with posters of the guys wearing not much else except jocks n socks. We went along for a bit of culture while many others turned up to what they thought was akin to the Chippendales. I did think this may be the case and decided to bring along some binoculars to get out of my bag mid performance to make my pals laugh. We learnt a lot about culture in Bracknell this evening as I recounted to a colleague the next day…

No I didn't bring out my binoculars during the performance of the dancing men with few clothes on. Fortunately it was only one number which had all that off-putting flesh where one didn't know where to look.

Well I'm glad I had the girls in stitches in the bar beforehand about pulling out my binoculars as I would have been too scared to make a disturbance during the show, especially as these noisy people kept talking behind us and were delaying the start of the performance.

Imagine the scene. The lights had gone down, the audience for the most part took the hint and fell silent. We were vaguely aware of the performers coming to stand in each corner of the stage ready to start but the chatterboxes were still talking and so I gently shhh'd them.

The crazy alchy woman boomed at the top of her voice: "Don't shhhh me. How dare she? Who does she think she is? I should slap her!"

Sarah leaping to my defence (and whole place so quiet you could hear a pin drop, all hearing this palaver): "She was joking. Chill out"

The hairstyle that calls itself a woman: "Don't you start on me. I'll have you!"

Marta seriously regretting saying shhhhh and trying to sink in to the chair but also thinking I really wish they'd finally shut up.

Sarah: "Threatening violence - that's a bit over the top"

Natasha to Sarah: "Careful, we don't want a fight"

Sarah to Natasha: "It's okay there's six of us"

Natasha to Sarah: "Yes but three of us have got bad backs" (they had hobbled in - 2 had fallen from horses recently)

Sarah to Natasha: "They don't know that"

The hairstyle that calls itself a woman: Mutter mutter (The whole place still listening in)

Sarah angrily: "Oh for god's sake!"

Sarah with real menace "That's so Bracknell!" (and note we are in Bracknell Arts Centre and surrounded by people from Bracknell! I begin to strongly fear a lynch mob)

Audience thought bubble: "Can we get on with the show now please? - either the men dancing or the cat fight. Just get on with it!"

Anyway the dancing was very original and pretty good. The rabble behind us disappeared at the interval never to be seen again well except for the dippy raucous tart instead of going the right way, climbing through a tight gap and a mesh of cables through the sound mixing area to get her cardigan perhaps hoping not to be seen and glared at by us - which we couldn't help but laugh at. Well except for me who was still pretending to be invisible to avoid being slapped.

Oh the joy of culture in Bracknell.

There's a funny Bracknell site on the web where it invites you to see the grand plan making future life better. Clicking through shows Bracknell being blasted in a thermo nuclear explosion. The shopping I have always liked there for the sheer convenience of it despite the concrete but it's the school girl mothers breast feeding in the street that's a little hard to take.

We get to be extras in the movie "Dirty Dream"

Belated blogging lest I forget the moment.

Kamal at Mars always said I'd get on like a house on fire with his sister Nina, a lawyer working in Birmingham, and that we even had heart problems in common as well as trouble with men and were both fiery no nonsense characters. She rang one day and we chatted for ages like two old friends. 

After promising to meet up one day when close enough, finally ntl sent me to Birmingham. Nina had to be crow barred from her work as she runs her own practice but we went for a drink by the canal (is it?). There was a lot happening in the car park and Nina was demanding to know from a guy how long he'd need his space and he was saying they were shooting a film and they'd need to be there all night. Half an hour later we found ourselves in hair and make up getting ready to be extras. 

It was fab and they made us look gorgeous - we just had to sit at a table chatting while they filmed around us. Film looked pants - was a bollywood type with Michele Collins from EastEnders in Bend it Like Beckham style about a mixed race boy band. It flopped at the cinemas and can't recall what the final title was.

Personally the funniest part of this whole episode for me was at work the next day I was telling the guys how I was an extra in a film called 'Dare to Dream' but they all heard 'Dirty Dream' so I shocked the hell out of them.

Update: Called 'Don't Stop Dreaming' and so awful not on DVD. The review for it at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0459652/ says it is one of the top 5 worst movies ever.