Blogger has gone German

Weird - when I put up a post blogger comes back confirming it in German!

More from Mr Facilities

Spray it again

The final bit of repair work was undertaken yesterday morning, so the fountain should be back in action early next week. We are just getting the lighting replaced (the fish get so annoyed if they can't see where they are going), and then it will be refilled. Bit of H&S info for you - the lower area of the fountain (the bit you park your cars up to), is 4 ft deep and contains some heavy duty steel pipework (the jets) underneath the surface. Not that you are planning on falling in, but please be very careful around there, as there is some sharp nastiness underneath the surface. Similar to my ex-wife then.

Rhesus to be cheerful

The NHS blood bank are on site today from 09.00 to 16.30. They are hiding in a truck to the side of the building. Don't worry about fainting, we definitely won't rush in with a camera and photograph you. No way.

My dad's kitten

We're terrified of it. He thinks humans are not for cute cuddling but to climb up claws out and bite. He's ferocious and doesn't stop. You wave your hand as you talk and he's jumping up to grab on to it. I swear it's hyperactivity in a cat mixed with crocodile wrestling. When we visit we have to ask for him to be shut in another room otherwise it won't be long before we're wondering what the sharp pain is. Is this what they mean when they say families can be stressful?

Smart ass answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Beware of plugin air fresheners

Apparently they are responsible for lots of house fires. So said the email I received today.

Photo sent by my dear friend Carolyn

Here is a photo for your blog. This place is not far from me and is in Hyannis on Cape Cod. Every time I drive by it I think of you and think "I must take a photo of this place, Marta probably owns it and never told anyone".

Distinguishing no 1 from no 2 is like distinguishing Ant from Dec

I had to explain the difference in toilet terms between number 1 and number 2 to Andrew today although he was arguing fiercely that no. 1 is something of more significance, the big kahuna, and it should be the other way around. He proceeded to state it was like distinguishing Ant from Dec, our fabulous UK TV presenters who are always paired up. That made me laugh the leap from piss and shit to Ant and Dec. Ant is always on the left so one system for who's who is that going anti-clockwise you get to Ant. His other system is that Dec is smaller and he thinks of decrement i.e. in "Mathematics The amount by which a variable is decreased; a negative increment" (thanks thefreedictionary.com). Can anyone help me with a system for no 1 and no 2?