Our Facilities Manager writes very cheeky emails

Here's a best of selection. Very entertaining indeed. Names and places changed to protect the not so innocent.

Subject: BOVVERED? WELL YES, I AM AS IT HAPPENS...

Hi All,

Admittedly, it is a bit of a long one this week, but it's as vital to your
well being, as Hollyoaks is to a teenage boy...

Walkways
These have recently been re-carpeted. If I could ask you to leave it a couple of weeks before wandering along them, mobile in one hand, spilling coffee/yoghurt/blood/lard all over the carpet with the other, that would be just fantastic.

Fort Knox Your Set Top Box...
Procurement are taking their name very seriously and will be thieving some PVR boxes from around the building for 24 hours. These will be returned the following day and rigged up again.

If you want someone to blame, please pick a fight with K.T. She is feisty, but also tiny, so a strategically placed hand on the forehead should be enough to keep her at arms length.

First Aid Room
The First Aid Room is located on the ground floor, next to the
security office. If you need to use this room (you need to be
accompanied by a first aider), the key is held by security. If you are
*ahem*...unwell, please a) clear it up b) notify facilities or speak directly to a member of the cleaning team. We had the pleasure
of finding a blanket in there last week that was matted together
with....well......someone's dinner if you're asking. Uncool. Obviously,
this isn't too pleasant, so I would appreciate it, if you could make sure
it is left in a decent condition. This is the First Aiders
responsibility. Unlucky.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi All,

Despite the best efforts of my letting agent to ruin my mood this weekend
and my bank taking a quite undeserved holiday, unfortunately for you, I am
feeling as upbeat and foolish as ever, so lets begin by visiting acronym
central and discussing being PC about the PC......

A poem called 'Monitor the Monitor'
I used to leave it on all day and all of the night,
Because I thought CSR was a load of.......unnecessary stuff,
Then I realised it cost the company loads of cash,
Which brings accounts out in a bit of a rash,
So I turned my monitor off every night,
Not because the company is tight, but because of the worlds carbon plight,
...And the fact that my CO2 emissions over the year rival a 747 flight and I
also get fed up of being (justifiably) nagged by the cleaning team who are
trying to clean my keyboard and when they do it wakes up the PC, which then wastes power blah blah blah.. (admittedly, this bit does not rhyme)...

So there you have it, a highly educational tale of the benefits of turning
of your monitor every night, or if you are away from your desk for a period
of time. At the moment, don't turn off your PC itself as several updates
and other techy stuff occurs overnight and you wouldn't want to miss out on that would you?

Postal Strikes
They aren't striking anymore in the SE and SW London areas, so that's nice. Apparently their arguments were stamped on. They were upset their manager Mark got the sack...and things are never the same post Mark......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Losing your cool?
Playing with garbage is tremendous fun as I am sure any bands who have
supported Girls Aloud can attest, however it's not so much of a giggle
cleaning out the fridges in the kitchenettes and discovering food that has
its own carbon footprint. So much so, that it can walk itself to the bin.
If you have stuff with a limited shelf life (all I am saying G is 'no
it's not fashionable again'...), please remember to throw it away if you
don't eat it. Call me oddball, but I always thought the general idea was
to eat food you brought in, but apparently I am wrong in this.

Disabled Parking Bays
Are you disabled? Park in these. You're not disabled? Oh in that case,
don't park here. You'll no doubt be looking for one of the other 900 spaces
to park in. There's loads of them. Go on!..treat yourself and take your
pick of them.

They Came, They Sawed, They Conkered?
In a pointless piece of work not seen since the Millennium Dome was
conceived, Xshire Highways came (as promised) to cut back the tree on the path outside the building that obstructs some of you from coming into work. They did come. They did cut back a tree. On the other side of the road. Well done them. They have now returned and cut the other one, so my apologies for the delay. The zebra crossing is still under discussion with X District
Council. Apparently he is not keen to sign the release forms at the zoo.

-----------------------------------------
The first broadcast email subject line was "FREE ALCOHOL AND CIGARETTES"

Hi All,

Not really, but now I have your attention. Stop sitting on the edge of your
seat, biting your fingernails (or false ones AS) waiting for the
facilities e-mail, the wait is over. I bet you can't wait to read it through
from beginning to end as it only takes 1 minute, (definitely NOT deleting
it, then e-mailing me asking me questions which I answered in the e-mail)

Captain Tortue
Despite sounding like a pasta wielding swashbuckler, this is in fact a range of children's clothing that will be for sale in the café until 14.00 today. Despite the stuff being French, (thus being imbued with Gallic charm, a certain je ne sais quoi if you will), there is no requirement to listen to Sacha Distel whilst wearing the aforementioned items.

Speed Limits
The speed limit on all areas of the X site is 5 mph. It appears that several cars on site have malfunctioning speedometers, so just for them, 5mph is walking pace. JF was almost knocked over at 9.15 on Tuesday morning by someone who was speeding around the site despite the fact he was wearing a high visibility jacket. Please bear in mind, that people are always on site in the car parking areas, so it would be lovely if we could try and avoid killing them. It creates an awful lot of paperwork for us to fill out too.

First Aiders
Can you come to our aid? I'll cut to the chase, this is not a stitch up, we
are looking for the new Kissit, Mendit and Stitchit for the X site.
Rather than plaster posters everywhere, we thought e-mail the best solution as it saves time. Eye nose you are all; thinking 'whats the bleeding clot pouring his heart about now?', but I am not being a pain, but in a serious vein, your building needs you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi All,

In celebration of this new e-mail, I have changed my font. I thought it
would change the type of e- mail I write (like what I did there?).....

''Dance like no one's looking, love like you've never been hurt, send career
limiting e-mails like you're not frightened of receiving your P45”
Excellent advice indeed.

Anyway...onwards to information central (Don't Google it, there is no such
place)...

Fire Drill
This would make a dangerous and frankly ineffective DIY tool. Anyway, we
live in testing times, and as such are adding additional fire alarm tests at …..

Fountain
The fountain will be emptied and cleaned this weekend, so if you
are on site this weekend, please exercise caution in this area. If you do
not own a pet named caution, don't worry too much.

Join me again same time same place next week. You've been a lovely
audience...

Any questions, e-mail me, call me or come talk to me.

Best regards
R