Wow! -it's been a while since I ventured that far of the Watford Gap. Does England really stretch that far up? I even have to fly with BA to get there, can you imagine? I will be joining Sham, Andy and Mark who were my contractors last year for what should be a very entertaining weekend in Newcastle where the boys now work. I miss the laughs we had working together and it was those laughs that kept me sane working in IT. Mark was my 'gimp' and Andy was my 'bitch'. The whole planning is proving entertaining itself. The email string follows (I howled with laughter at Sham's reply)...
Mark: Hello there, As you may be aware, Newcastle is the Capital of Culture. Andy will have known this for some time, Sham and I heard it on Radio 4 (so expectations are very high), and Marta may have just assumed having met Andy. I have attached some pictures to both delight and inspire you.
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Andy: Mark et al, How many times have I told you not to use our secret pet names in an e-mail address! In appreciation expect me to add some special ingredients to your meal next week. Any dates suit me at the moment apart from the last weekend in Jan when we're risking life and limb by taking FlyBe to Exeter.
Sham, when you get a moment (away from making the teas and bringing in the sandwich trolley) could you nip down to the warehouse and get me a new front cover for my T610. Ta (I'll buy you a pint like).
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Marta: Now gentlemen - have you sorted out where Sham and I will be laying down to sleep? Can we go to the docklands, the Baltic gallery, to the beach and anywhere else you rate as a bit of Northern cultcha for us to experience? What kind of fun evening do you have planned for us - will you be taking us dancing and will we need our dancing shoes n sequins? Also Sham and I hope you will be introducing us to absolutely all your eliglible male friends and every eligible male in Newcastle without a pint of brown in his hand nor a beer belly and with an IQ over 130.
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Andy: Hi Marta, Did Mark speak to you about accomodation already? I think the idea was that he would be able to accommodate you both at his new "Chick Palace"as he described it.
I can't recommend the Baltic gallery I'm afraid. When we went last year it was just the worst pile of crap any of us had ever seen. There might be a skating rink there at the moment though so don't wear those 800 laceup boots Marta, the ice will have melted by the time you get those off.
Hmmm...I'm having trouble identifying any male in the Northeast who fits your stringent criteria. There's no guarantee of quality but plenty of quantity I'm sure (you might have to be a bit flexible on the IQ points).
A trip doon the coast where Mark displays his excellence in the arcades, and everyone freezes on the beach for 10mins. Then it's on to the National Glass centre(http://www.nationalglasscentre.com/) in Sunderland (spit) followed bythe Baltic Flour Mills in Newcastle (for the view, the chance to fallover and the clever bridge). Then on to the Biscuit Factory for cultcha and food (http://www.thebiscuitfactory.com/ might be a good bet for some affordable NorthEast art and they have a good restaurant) and back into town for a quick wander round the more interesting shops. After that, it's time to get shredded down the quayside (no coats allowed ladies - this is the true north) before climbing the hill into town again for a kebab (that's your dinner) and a fight.
If anyone's still game then I can thoroughly recommend the Grosvenor Casino as a way to lose more money before jumping in a cab home around 3am. I just can't think of anything more cultured than that since Newcastle Utd. are not playing until Sunday (although in this case 'cultured' makes me think of a Petri dish)!
On Sunday Mark has suggested that a drive to the nearest Little Chef is in order. Apparently they do great Sunday Omelettes. A few piccies of the Angel of the North to follow and before you know it you'll be on your way home with nought but a tear in your eye! Canny man! Best regards, Andy
Ps Sham, did you manage to get down the warehouse yet?
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Sham:
OK, first up: I am NOT searching for a man...well, not the kind that you meet in bars anyway
Second: I am bringing a big coat, gloves, scarf AND mittens. Possibly even a balaclava if I can find one between now and then.
Third: I tend to avoid places which have any type of 'dress code'. My mum stopped telling me what to wear when I was 8 and I certainly won't be told by a 'wanky' door policy what I shouldn't wear in order to consume alcohol or eat food.
Fourth: I will make a *slight* execption to point three in order toaccommodate other peoples expectations for the weekend. But I mean*slight*. (ie I will NOT be wearing sandals OR a skirt with no tights). And if can steer clear of 'meat markets' that would be good
Fifth: If you happen to know an arty, bohemain man who is a bit of vegetarian hippy AS WELL as being highly intelligent and funny then please feel free to introduce us!!!
Mucho, mucho Luuuuurve
Sham
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Andy: Sham,
OK, first up (right back at ya): You have no idea what sort of men I meet in bars. Hmmm ... that's not really sounding too good is it?
Secondamundo : Bring as much woolly padding as you possibly can -there's no way it will ever be enough!
Three : The only person who would be affected by the dress code at anyof the venues is likely to be Mark. Various court orders prevent him from dressing like that ever again.
Fourth: What about flip flops?
Fifth : Mark can draw! And you won't find anyone better to match the definition of a Bohemian - "unconventional in especially appearance and behavior". He's the King of f'in Bohemia!
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Mark: Here's my 2p-worth. ... The other time I went out in Newcastle was about fifteen years ago. I got drunk and started doing geordie accents and had to get pulled out of a tricky situation by my brother and a friend. Then my brother, whose French extends to "je voudrais deux baguettes s'il vous plait" and "orrr eeee orrrrr eeeeorrr", convinced some girls in a kebab van queue that he was a French exchange student looking for a good time. The truth outed and a slap ensued.
Are there any places like Manchester's "Ganders Goes South" in Newcastle, Andy? That had a live band playing music like the Barclaycard Access advert "Does you does or does you don't take access", and every now and then the (bald and old) singer would say"Jaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzz". Very funny and you could eat there too. Anyway as I said to Andy and Penny yesterday my suggestion would be to stay in and watch National Lottery Jetset in it to win it, followed by Casualty (Abs has just found out that his Albanian wife hasbeen lying to him, and Will has just been suspended because of the strike caused by him dissing an eggs andwich in the emergency canteen they had to set up after the catastrophic fire.). I do concede that this may not be everyone's idea of a good night out even though it has done me for a good ten years. The rest of the itinerary looks good. To that we could add Durham and Beamish. I also like the idea ofWashington Wildfowl Park. Anyone? Thought not.
Accommodation wise I'm assuming I'll be in my new place by then. The decor needs some work so I hope that'll be ok. My plan was to utilise the spare room that has one of those visitors beds that looks like a single but is really a double because there's a bit underneath that pulls out. I thought it was ok for 2 girls to sleep in the same bed but Andy suggests I may be labouring under a misapprehension (and reading the wrong material).
If there's any trouble on our night out Andy will have to sort it out, but I will choreograph and direct proceedings and probably referee too. OK then, toodle pip for now
End of this thread.
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