My exuberance for life sometimes gets the better of me. Friday night was the work ball and I decided at the last minute I would go because it meant not having to cook dinner for myself, an occasion to wear one of the 4 gowns I bought in Miami in Xmas 2003 (3 down, 1 to go), and an opportunity to upset table plans as a single who was not prepared to drag along some member of the opposite sex just for the sake of it. I don't normally enjoy work dos so why make someone else suffer and I'd only have to constantly worry whether they were okay. As it turns out going on my own, I had a fabulous time and this was a really good work do. Everyone made a real effort with black tie and looked stunning. Pre and during dinner entertainment were a couple of musicians, an artist who drew caricatures and a girl who cut out silhouette portraits. Plus I forgot we all get gifts at these events and you can steal the flower arrangements at the end. The aspect that puts me off most is that a lot of my colleagues think enjoyment is drinking as much as possible of the free alcohol. However I didn't notice too many drunk and disorderly people this time apart from the usual suspects who make a point of brushing past you etc.
Having applauded myself for kicking off the dancing, successfully embroiling 8 people to join me, three songs in it was Kylie's "I can't get you out of my head". For some reason I decided to be very silly and loudly sing "la la la lalalalala". At this point my heart sabotaged my one woman entertainment show and I got palpitations. After a lie down (in the toilets with legs up the wall) I felt a bit better and paced myself with dancing through the night to the fab 10 piece 'Commitments' type band (how can you resist a bit of James Brown or the Twist?), in between driving a tram (as you do - pics to follow) and chatting with people (very much avoiding state of 3G etc. conversations - YAWN!).
Alas the palpitations got worse after and went on all weekend so it was a wash out. I had to go to my exhusband's house to spend the night to feed the cats because he and Oksana were going to a concert in Bournemouth. I was so exhausted, it was a real effort and I actually drove over in my dressing gown and slippers. They came back yesterday lunchtime to find Goldilocks still in bed having slept very little and feeling worse. It's like having run 3 marathons and being on your 4th. Despite an abundance of TLC from them and nice Russian food, nothing was going to shift the palpitations and I couldn't bear it anymore. So decided for the first time to go to Casualty last night as my GP recommended, especially as the last bad palps had lasted 5 days and reached 180. They've got worse over the last 14 years. That's something I can't live with. Life is too short. Reason I hadn't gone before is I normally have strong reactions to drugs, don't like hospitals (or the horror stories attached to them) and I didn't want to end up worse off or dead. So to A&E in High Wycombe I went. High Wycombe is supposed to be a good hospital. Could have been cleaner though but then it was 11pm on a Sunday night.
That was fun (not). The physical stuff they tried didn't help stop the rapid heart beat which had been 145 for most of the weekend but was now slower. I had my life flash past my eyes while having an injection to literally reboot me. The Adenosine stopped my heart for 14 seconds which then returned to normal rhythm. Norm for most people is 10 seconds for the heart to start again so they were a tad worried for 4 seconds, although 15 is known and accepted. The Dr referred to my cautions prior to the injection where I explained that I tend to have whatever side effects are going or only need a tiny dose - he said I had the strongest reaction he had seen. Instead of lying there dopey and perhaps offering up a grunt, I was trying to get off the bed and looked terrified. As far as I was concerned I seemed to be dreaming incredibly fast like a whirlwind tour of my life on a very fast motorbike and then desperately trying to kick my way to the surface of the water fighting for my life. Suddenly I saw 2 strange faces, was wearing an oxygen mask, wondering why they were holding me down, what they were doing to me, why I was fighting against them and where the hell I was. I couldn't remember a thing and didn't know if I was dreaming or awake. Nothing made sense. Fortunately within a few seconds I recalled what was happening but it was a very scary experience. They did another ECG to check I was fine and I went home.
Now resting until I get back my strength which will take a day or two. I hate feeling like I'm in an old woman's body when in my soul I have so much life - it's so damn frustrating. Then when I'm fine I forget all about it. When I was 19 living in Madrid I danced 4 nights a week continually from midnight to at least 4am. Perhaps I overdid it then. Then in my 20s I would get down about having to rest after 30 mins strutting my stuff. After a while I decided to accept it rather than fight it - that made it more bearable. I'm well past being a disco diva on a regular basis but not having palpitations would improve my life significantly.
It's a good job I see the Consultant in London this Wed about the op that has a 90% chance of ridding me of these blasted palpitations - it's exactly the same as what Tony Blair had. More about that at
http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=4682. It basically burns out the crazy extra circuitry in my heart that means I get a loop of crazy heart beats. It's not a big deal as ops go but it is your heart and you got to pray they don't fuck it up. The biggest worry is that I will be a 'normal' person after losing this crazy aspect of my being - how dull would that be ;-). And that is the minor op of the two I have to look forward to this year.
The second op is major to remove a troublesome fibroid and reconstruct my uterus, has 6 weeks recovery and carries a risk of having to have a hysterectomy. I guess it is good that I've always been predisposed to providing a loving home for children desperately in need of one and a better chance in life (adoption and fostering). I think being a mother is about a lot more than giving birth as incredible as that is. I read an article over Xmas about a New York woman who adopted an eleven year old girl from the Urals in Russia. Her family had locked her out of the house in freezing conditions and she suffered such bad frostbite that she had to have several toes amputated - they then abandoned her. Although a pretty girl, because she was slightly dark skinned and now not normal physically, it was going to be nigh on impossible to find Russian adoptive parents. She would have been transferred to an institution in a couple of years which had much rougher conditions than the orphanage and from there, the expectations are these children make their way in life living off crime or prostitution. Reading that reaffirmed to me that to adopt is really the right thing to do.
I know it won't be easy but then who said life was going to be easy? - especially if it concerns pursuing your dreams or trying to make a positive difference. William Goldman, the master of film scripts, in his wonderful book 'The Princess Bride' has this great line "Life is pain. Anyone who says different is selling you something." Accepting this, I believe it's our job to make our life fun and also better for others.
Anyway so far I've avoided hospitals in my life, so consider myself to have been lucky. I am remaining positive about it all (even about the dire situation at work where redundancy is on the cards and we'll find out who in a couple of months - a reason to get on with the ops while I have private healthcare) with a little mental work and the support of my friends. This woman is unstoppable! Lots more dancing to start (it's a celebration of life) and being silly to Kylie.
As Jamiroquai sang:
"Dance, nothing left for me to do but dance,
Off these bad times I'm going through just dance".
My dear friend KK wrote the following to me yesterday which really cheered me up:
"How in God's name can you stay positive with all this news??!! It is a sign that you are a bloody strong woman (and you ARE and not you MUST BE). I am sure that all this is happening because afterwards you will
a) Live longer than any of us :-))
b) Have the nicest/hottest boyfriend among us :-))"
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