Beware of women with rulers!

Women with rulers should be avoided at all costs. Now with that intro you may be thinking I am on about penis size (“n. organ of copulation and urination in male mammals”). Does it matter? Well everyone has been asking lately. (What? - am I Dr Ruth?) A new friend asked me having recently made my acquaintance promoting me rapidly to his first female friend and secret confidant (blogs excluded – whoops! – just change some details) after leaving his wife for a sexy minx and hot sex every day, thrice a day or more. Six months later they are still shagging like love starred Jack Russells I might add. (Or is he just lying? Or was there so much energy left in the old dog after years of underuse?) And from my pulpit I shall preach “sex in a relationship is of vital importance” – whoever heard of a couple who have lots of great sex splitting up? Yes it’s the glue or goo that keeps us together. (Now I think about it, I do know people who have split up despite lots of great sex. This was in cases where there were extreme character malfunctions i.e. 'utter bastard' and 'complete bastard').

I feel it is my public duty to give the answer that is official as deemed by the officials, namely female friends of Marta that 1) divulge and 2) know what an orgasm is.

So does size matter?
No, it doesn’t.

It’s what you do with it that counts – ‘it’ being your tongue mainly. Much can be compensated for by ‘it’. No bad kissing can ever be compensated for. Yes the mouth is the key organ – especially what it says! There’s a saying in Russia that women love with their ears, men with their stomachs. For me it must be love through actions as I never automatically believe what a man says – even before I was cheated on I translated genuinely meaningful admissions of being in love with me into ‘you want a shag then’.

Hmmm? - you weren’t thinking of organs of mass destruction.

Well beware of beauticians who use rulers to shape your eyebrows. After years of non threatening waxing behaviour they got all professional on me, doing it according to measures. This is fine for normal females but is anything about me normal? Fuck no! I have a wide Polish peasant nose so now have a huge gap between my eyebrows. Can’t these dumb bitches think for themselves and make a judgment call? Oh dear – is that a little harsh? Well do you have any idea of the angst I will go through regrowing these tuftans that’ll look like some random cat hair I found on the sofa cushions and glued on? The time before that they made them too short on the other end – particularly one brow. So it’s the ever shrinking brows fable. Christ on a bike – I will have to paint them on soon. How hideous is that? I will permanently have that expression like I’ve just seen a rat!