Warrior women of Bracknell back from the dance show just about intact

Pictured Natasha, Marta and Sarah

The Arts Centre made a big mistake. They promoted a male modern dance troupe with posters of the guys wearing not much else except jocks n socks. We went along for a bit of culture while many others turned up to what they thought was akin to the Chippendales. I did think this may be the case and decided to bring along some binoculars to get out of my bag mid performance to make my pals laugh. We learnt a lot about culture in Bracknell this evening as I recounted to a colleague the next day…

No I didn't bring out my binoculars during the performance of the dancing men with few clothes on. Fortunately it was only one number which had all that off-putting flesh where one didn't know where to look.

Well I'm glad I had the girls in stitches in the bar beforehand about pulling out my binoculars as I would have been too scared to make a disturbance during the show, especially as these noisy people kept talking behind us and were delaying the start of the performance.

Imagine the scene. The lights had gone down, the audience for the most part took the hint and fell silent. We were vaguely aware of the performers coming to stand in each corner of the stage ready to start but the chatterboxes were still talking and so I gently shhh'd them.

The crazy alchy woman boomed at the top of her voice: "Don't shhhh me. How dare she? Who does she think she is? I should slap her!"

Sarah leaping to my defence (and whole place so quiet you could hear a pin drop, all hearing this palaver): "She was joking. Chill out"

The hairstyle that calls itself a woman: "Don't you start on me. I'll have you!"

Marta seriously regretting saying shhhhh and trying to sink in to the chair but also thinking I really wish they'd finally shut up.

Sarah: "Threatening violence - that's a bit over the top"

Natasha to Sarah: "Careful, we don't want a fight"

Sarah to Natasha: "It's okay there's six of us"

Natasha to Sarah: "Yes but three of us have got bad backs" (they had hobbled in - 2 had fallen from horses recently)

Sarah to Natasha: "They don't know that"

The hairstyle that calls itself a woman: Mutter mutter (The whole place still listening in)

Sarah angrily: "Oh for god's sake!"

Sarah with real menace "That's so Bracknell!" (and note we are in Bracknell Arts Centre and surrounded by people from Bracknell! I begin to strongly fear a lynch mob)

Audience thought bubble: "Can we get on with the show now please? - either the men dancing or the cat fight. Just get on with it!"

Anyway the dancing was very original and pretty good. The rabble behind us disappeared at the interval never to be seen again well except for the dippy raucous tart instead of going the right way, climbing through a tight gap and a mesh of cables through the sound mixing area to get her cardigan perhaps hoping not to be seen and glared at by us - which we couldn't help but laugh at. Well except for me who was still pretending to be invisible to avoid being slapped.

Oh the joy of culture in Bracknell.

There's a funny Bracknell site on the web where it invites you to see the grand plan making future life better. Clicking through shows Bracknell being blasted in a thermo nuclear explosion. The shopping I have always liked there for the sheer convenience of it despite the concrete but it's the school girl mothers breast feeding in the street that's a little hard to take.