A woman of contradictions + Elvis was fondled today

I came home today with an old copy of Tatler, nicked from Humphries Tyres waiting room in Bracknell, because it had two photos I wanted to show my housemate. First was a woman's naked bottom with white leather thigh high boots and white leather britches (no wrong word - cowboy type apron that protects your trousers), so lovely it made me think I was lesbian and second was the dress I'd love to wear if I ever get married again. So complete contrast although I hear lesbian weddings could be legal soon.

I went to Humphries because one tyre was low and I suspected a puncture. E had explained a couple of Saturday's back "MARTA - You drive like you have a 4WD!" Anyway that same Saturday I thought I may have damaged punctured or ripped the tyre while I was
a) crossing the grassy middle section of the dual carriageway to avoid hours of traffic jam and go back the way I came, or
b) driving on the pavement because the old guy waving his fist at me hadn't given me way on the single track section - I thought it was terribly kind of me to use my initiative and keep traffic flowing rather than make him reverse

The mechanic took my keys and I was wondering where the car was as I couldn't see it in the work bays outside reception. A while had past. He put his head round the door and I asked if he'd checked out the wheel. "No," he said "I've been playing with the conjoined Elvis's."

Well I didn't have any tyre damage but was the victim of non-calibrated public usage air stations at petrol stations which are usually totally incorrect, but he talked me into some new wipers which did need replacing. I am a bit keen on tyre pressure. They tease me at work because I have a calendar I've mapped out in a spreadsheet for when all my checks and waxing needs doing.

Above is a pic of Elvis one. His legs fell off with the help of a friends evil child I call Damiana. So I got Elvis two and the only thing funnier than Elvis dancing on your dashboard to whatever you play (Ace of Spades to Mambo Number Five) is the twins doing it in tandem. Actually much much funnier and nearly made me crash is when they swing round such that Half Elvis looks like he is doing something terribly rude to Full Elvis. Always fun to drive with Elvis!