I rang my mother the week before Christmas and she told me “I’ve bought myself a man.” “What?” I exclaimed. “He’s 12 inches tall and rubber”. I was very concerned now. She had always taught me as a good catholic girl not to masturbate. And now??? (Sorry – TMI) She went on to explain this was the perfect man who stood in your living room and when you squeezed his hand, he said nice things that made her feel good. “Okay and why have you bought this?” I asked. “I’m wrapping him up to pretend a friend bought him for me, hoping Barry will learn a thing or two.” was her answer. I don’t know what is worse, thinking you can change a man, trying to change a man or using a toy to try to change him. I laughed so much on the phone when I heard what he says that she sent him to me instead. The following were good:
- “I love you”
- “Yes dear” – this rubber man is intelligent and saves time. He knows she’ll get her own way.
- "You know, honey. Why don't you just relax and let me make dinner tonight?"
- “You know I think it’s really important we talk about our relationship.”
- “Did you have a hard day honey? Why don’t you sit down and let me rub your feet?”
- "Aw, can't your mother stay another week?"
"Actually, I'm not sure which way to go. I'll turn in here and ask directions." – Actually it is amusing to see a man get increasingly lost through pride and stupidity. As well as something to complain about, it also gives us ammunition for when he considers sharing a story about how bad our driving is.
“You’ve been on mind all day. That’s why I bought you these flowers.” - Right like we don’t realise this means "I’ve been riddled with guilt all day for staring at the receptionist’s breasts and trying to get her to notice me".
“Why don’t we go to the mall? Didn’t you want some new shoes?” - Foot fetish or the signs of substance abuse.
“Mmmm – you look so beautiful in the morning.” Lying obviously. Not my step-dad who when broached on this subject i.e. mum asked “Do I look beautiful in the morning?” he replied “Not particularly.”
“No, you don’t look at all fat in that dress. How could anything make you look fat?” - What’s wrong with this man? Shit for eyes or BS disease?
“Hello darling, have I told you I loved you lately?” – What? He can’t even remember my name when he’s come home drunk.
"Here, you take the remote. As long as I'm with you, I don't care what we watch." - A man whose ass is always on the sofa is incredibly unappealing. It should be “Let’s go to that new restaurant in town for a meal and why don’t we go to a concert, the theatre, dancing or to a exhibition while we’re there?”
”The ballgame really isn't that important. I'd rather spend time with you." - No please have a life and do something that doesn’t involve me. Yes he CAN go to the supermarket on his own and survive. Please don’t give men the impression we want to be glued at the hip!
"Let's just cuddle tonight." - This is probably the most offensive of all. What are you doing propagating this myth gentlemen? Are you from the same Satanic design school that put bath taps at one end instead of the middle. No wonder romance is dead. Oh okay – I get it. It’s so you can sell your other rubber toys!
Please reconsider your design and feel free to send out a new model for consumer testing. Actually don’t bother. There’s nothing on earth that will be right for a woman anyway.
Yours faithfully
Ms Marta Zalewska
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