Going to Cuba tomorrow. Now home to nap, eat dinner and finish packing before going back to the office to write a document which must go to 5 IT vendors before I go on holiday. Shit! And this wireless broadband keeps dropping out – it’s driving me nuts and it’s distracted me from being excited about wearing my summer clothes in 28 degrees sunny weather. Lovely! Can’t wait to relax, photograph some typical Havana, read a little, dance a bit and roll cigars on my thighs.
Timi and Steve have just eaten the trifle I got them. Steve has decided he is going to learn the way of the trifle. “I am at one with cream. The custard is not my master – it is my brother.” And I thought I was weird.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Coincidence or animal's pedestrian crossing?
Coming home tonight in the exact same spot where the deer jumped across the road in front of my car a couple of weeks ago, was a froggy hopping across. I had to carefully drive over him - i.e. between wheels and not under. God - I hope I didn't squish him. More weeks prior it was a pheasant. They should just make it into a zebra crossing.
If you are going to be a spy it has to be CIA
Marta and Mary (energy monster wonderful loud American friend) driving from Bridget Jones 2 to dinner at Cafe Blu, Virginia Water
Mary: ...I always wanted to be a spy
Marta: No way. Me too.
(Some talk about the interesting effects the French film Nikita had on us. I nearly fainted when leaving the cinema - I saw it between giving English classes one afternoon in Warsaw - because I'd been holding my breath so much with the tension of it all)
Marta: I was so disappointed not to get into the SAS. When they stormed the embassy on ropes and crashing through windows, I knew that was for me.
Mary: Really? No, I wanted to be more of a spy.
Marta: Wait - I can see you as Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs
Mary: Oh no, not FBI. I want to be CIA.
Marta: You do?
Mary: I don't want to be FBI. It must be CIA.
Marta: What's the difference?
Mary: Well let me see. One's ... You know I'll have to ask Dave to give us the definitive difference. I'm not entirely sure. He'll know.
Marta: How come you are so adamant you want to be CIA if you don't know what the difference is?
(Lots of laughing and palpitations for me.)
That woman is too funny for my health.
Mary: ...I always wanted to be a spy
Marta: No way. Me too.
(Some talk about the interesting effects the French film Nikita had on us. I nearly fainted when leaving the cinema - I saw it between giving English classes one afternoon in Warsaw - because I'd been holding my breath so much with the tension of it all)
Marta: I was so disappointed not to get into the SAS. When they stormed the embassy on ropes and crashing through windows, I knew that was for me.
Mary: Really? No, I wanted to be more of a spy.
Marta: Wait - I can see you as Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs
Mary: Oh no, not FBI. I want to be CIA.
Marta: You do?
Mary: I don't want to be FBI. It must be CIA.
Marta: What's the difference?
Mary: Well let me see. One's ... You know I'll have to ask Dave to give us the definitive difference. I'm not entirely sure. He'll know.
Marta: How come you are so adamant you want to be CIA if you don't know what the difference is?
(Lots of laughing and palpitations for me.)
That woman is too funny for my health.
WORDS WOMEN USE
Funny email sent round today because it is so true...
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
Plus you may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
Plus you may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
Friday, February 11, 2005
When I'm 64 by Marta Elennon except I can't imagine that, so let's say when I'm 45
The vision I have of my life-to-be is inspired by the films Stealing Beauty, Surviving Picasso and Chocolat. Also the singing of "Cu-cu-rru-cu-cu Paloma" patio scene in Habla Con Ella but less people (I'm listening to that right now). When I picture it, it feels like Indian Summer. The sun shines more often than not and we might enjoy a bit of snow but it is still sunny.
I live in a big beautiful rustic house where everyone has enough space to think and indulge their hobbies. It's in the country but you can bike (and sometimes it's on my trike) through pleasant countryside to the town or we can all jump into the 1950s Porsche Speedster and drive to the beach which isn't far away - there's also lots of nice walks by rivers and through forests and up hills for lovely views - also rolling down them to be silly until just before we feel sick. Sometimes we have Sunday outings with a big gaggle of friends. My daughters are really expert at throwing together a picnic basket.
It would be nice if the town had not only a Waitrose (well a great deli) but art galleries, an art cinema, was quaint and the type of place people come to sample the great eating places and to wander around enjoying the architecture. The values of the people who live there are simple - family comes before work, happiness comes from simple joys - not jewels or BMWs, they celebrate the success and good fortune of others, focus on the positive - eliminate the negative, get off the cross - somebody needs the wood, live in the present, they help people when they can, they tell someone to their face if they have a problem with them, they appreciate culture and the differences between people. The people could well speak another language which means I am living abroad. I really don't think this place exists in the UK. (Must give Canada a whirl for starters)
My friends are from many places around the world as well as locals - they are a colourful bunch with a good dose of talent, energy, fun and big hearts on their sleeves. We have impromptu get togethers when we feel like it, gathering to eat under the vines on balmy evenings. Eight year old balsalmic vinegar is de rigeur and all food is deliciously wholesome. People share their thoughts, ideas, stories, songs, art, etc. - oh and dance frequently. Parties are often themed and an occasion to dress up - people see our house as somewhere where they feel comfortable, happy and have fun. Where they can be themselves. Where they can bring their troubles, cry their hearts out and then lose themselves in laughter.
Family is a good balance between the Waltons and the Osbournes - my Sex and the City fascination is now fed by tales from my two, three or four teenage adopted children (definitely needs to have girls in this number but not necessarily all girls). There is also a good balance between everyone being independent and family togetherness/reliance. Part of the family are the various animals which are probably more waifs and strays I've taken to my heart The children go to jazz concerts in France or such stuff with me because they want to (many of my friends have wonderful kids aged 10+ who have inspired me that a family is what I want - or inspired me to steal their children) and their CD collection is as likely to have Philip Glass or Miles Davis as Busted in it.
My job is shared between work and being a great loving disciplined mum, albeit totally bonkers. Work involves contact with people and is not all the hours god sends - highly unlikely to invlove IT and would be great if it is something where I feel I'm making a difference like counselling or events organiser for a charity. I also have time for my true purpose (I worked this out last year and it felt really good to do so) which is to create things freely in my own way/style that other people appreciate (guess deep down I have that artist thing but it could be organising holidays or anything - I loved organising the Polish girly holiday especially because my friend's mum got to go somewhere she always wanted to, when otherwise she wouldn't have had anyone to go with). If I can make a good living out of that all the better.
We are rich in terms of being happy rather than possessions, but have enough money to have this big house with high ceilings, be comfortable, send the kids to university, to travel and not worry about retirement. Travel is less important because I've done lots of it and I live somewhere so great I don't need to escape to live my dream for a while.
My partner is very nearly all the things I said in my web dating profile (which follows), wanting the same lifestyle and valuing making time to share it as equals and wholes.
Funny I picked 45 randomly. Just remembered I'm going to die at 46. That's what a psychic guy I met once told me. He answered all my past questions correctly but I guess your life path can get rewritten with every chance of fate. I tell you what - if I make it to 47, I will throw a huge huge party for that birthday.
I live in a big beautiful rustic house where everyone has enough space to think and indulge their hobbies. It's in the country but you can bike (and sometimes it's on my trike) through pleasant countryside to the town or we can all jump into the 1950s Porsche Speedster and drive to the beach which isn't far away - there's also lots of nice walks by rivers and through forests and up hills for lovely views - also rolling down them to be silly until just before we feel sick. Sometimes we have Sunday outings with a big gaggle of friends. My daughters are really expert at throwing together a picnic basket.
It would be nice if the town had not only a Waitrose (well a great deli) but art galleries, an art cinema, was quaint and the type of place people come to sample the great eating places and to wander around enjoying the architecture. The values of the people who live there are simple - family comes before work, happiness comes from simple joys - not jewels or BMWs, they celebrate the success and good fortune of others, focus on the positive - eliminate the negative, get off the cross - somebody needs the wood, live in the present, they help people when they can, they tell someone to their face if they have a problem with them, they appreciate culture and the differences between people. The people could well speak another language which means I am living abroad. I really don't think this place exists in the UK. (Must give Canada a whirl for starters)
My friends are from many places around the world as well as locals - they are a colourful bunch with a good dose of talent, energy, fun and big hearts on their sleeves. We have impromptu get togethers when we feel like it, gathering to eat under the vines on balmy evenings. Eight year old balsalmic vinegar is de rigeur and all food is deliciously wholesome. People share their thoughts, ideas, stories, songs, art, etc. - oh and dance frequently. Parties are often themed and an occasion to dress up - people see our house as somewhere where they feel comfortable, happy and have fun. Where they can be themselves. Where they can bring their troubles, cry their hearts out and then lose themselves in laughter.
Family is a good balance between the Waltons and the Osbournes - my Sex and the City fascination is now fed by tales from my two, three or four teenage adopted children (definitely needs to have girls in this number but not necessarily all girls). There is also a good balance between everyone being independent and family togetherness/reliance. Part of the family are the various animals which are probably more waifs and strays I've taken to my heart The children go to jazz concerts in France or such stuff with me because they want to (many of my friends have wonderful kids aged 10+ who have inspired me that a family is what I want - or inspired me to steal their children) and their CD collection is as likely to have Philip Glass or Miles Davis as Busted in it.
My job is shared between work and being a great loving disciplined mum, albeit totally bonkers. Work involves contact with people and is not all the hours god sends - highly unlikely to invlove IT and would be great if it is something where I feel I'm making a difference like counselling or events organiser for a charity. I also have time for my true purpose (I worked this out last year and it felt really good to do so) which is to create things freely in my own way/style that other people appreciate (guess deep down I have that artist thing but it could be organising holidays or anything - I loved organising the Polish girly holiday especially because my friend's mum got to go somewhere she always wanted to, when otherwise she wouldn't have had anyone to go with). If I can make a good living out of that all the better.
We are rich in terms of being happy rather than possessions, but have enough money to have this big house with high ceilings, be comfortable, send the kids to university, to travel and not worry about retirement. Travel is less important because I've done lots of it and I live somewhere so great I don't need to escape to live my dream for a while.
My partner is very nearly all the things I said in my web dating profile (which follows), wanting the same lifestyle and valuing making time to share it as equals and wholes.
Funny I picked 45 randomly. Just remembered I'm going to die at 46. That's what a psychic guy I met once told me. He answered all my past questions correctly but I guess your life path can get rewritten with every chance of fate. I tell you what - if I make it to 47, I will throw a huge huge party for that birthday.
My web dating profile for posterity
Why should you get to know Martusia?
An unusually friendly girl (or perhaps I'm a woman now?) with a huge heart, an opinion, a bag of ideas and a dazzling smile. That’s me! Recently described as “warm, caring & fun to be with”. Also “eccentric in an endearing way”. Definitely a culture vulture and seeking the same.
Loves: her quilt; spooning (just another 5 minutes more); art that moves you; films like ‘The Station Agent’/‘The Motorcycle Diaries’; being a paradox (also South Park The Movie); quiet time to write (film scripts, children's stories)/paint/think; walks by the sea; persuading friends to roll down hills for fun; Dudley cat sleeping with his chin on her hand; finding holiday places like Borrego Valley Inn; leisurely dinners with friends (under vines with a summer breeze off the ocean - okay, okay, so this doesn't happen in Reading); fancy dress parties and most of all people with passions who live life to the full who have seen something of this wonderful world.
Appreciates: random acts of kindness and thoughtfulness (best present this year was a conker from a colleague's garden in Budapeszt - so nice to hold something natural when in hell with fluorescent lighting); beautiful stylish spacious home; the people in her life; 8 year old balsamic vinegar; her Polish roots (have lived in Madrid, Warsaw & Sydney - Vancouver/S America one day); RentaGhost/Six Feet Under; money to be able to travel; people not put off by subtitles; places that are NOT crowded, smoky or noisy (except perhaps Ronnie Scotts) - preferably wide open spaces with amazing vistas that take up a whole roll of film (yearning for Tierra Del Fuego).
Loathes: carpets in pubs; smoke; trousers that are too short; Big Brother; the Top 40.
Needs: affection; conversation; openness; intimacy; doing fun stuff together as well as separately.
Gives: A LOT. I have to warn you I’m not particularly domesticated and instead pay for cleaning/ironing. That Polish gene escaped me ;-)
She describes her ideal match thus:
I have found my ideal man but alas he is no longer alive. Richard Feynman was a Nobel Prize winning physicist once judged as mentally deficient by the US army. His life story is a combustible mixture of high intelligence, unlimited curiosity, eternal scepticism and raging chutzpah. Feynman was surely the only person in history to solve the mystery of liquid helium, to be commissioned to paint a naked female toreador, and to crack the uncrackable safes guarding the atomic bomb's most critical secrets. He traded ideas with Einstein and Bohr, discussed gambling odds with Nick the Greek, and accompanied a ballet on the bongo drums.
AIM 1: I am very happy being single and in no rush to tie any knots, so right now would like to meet interesting people making friends along the way
AIM 2: long term I want to continue being bonkers in a beautiful intelligent way until I'm old and grey - with a wonderful man who I still hold hands with walking along the beach near our house and who still chases me around hotel rooms, plus some happy children to be embarrassed of us.
Would love to hear from you if your aims are similar, you have shared interests/values, are not afraid to open up, are a generous happy cultured soul with a hunger to experience life fully plus fancy having a lovely nutty friend like me.
...but first
HEALTH WARNING: mad, clever, passionate, direct, very.
Time saver (no go areas for me, sorry!): beer monster; football nut; smoker (other than the odd joint); telly addict; package holidays; dishonesty; selfishness; doesn't like cats; doesn't ever want children; career obsessed (what's free time?); possessive; aggressive; tight (except his buttocks); thinks tickling or alcohol is foreplay; here for sex only; thinks status, money (actually that is needed for many good holidays with me) or running marathons should attract me (rather than what's in his heart and mind - arts appreciating well-travelled open heart/mind, lust for life and kindness in a cosmopolitan package = big tick).
Is anyone still reading?
An unusually friendly girl (or perhaps I'm a woman now?) with a huge heart, an opinion, a bag of ideas and a dazzling smile. That’s me! Recently described as “warm, caring & fun to be with”. Also “eccentric in an endearing way”. Definitely a culture vulture and seeking the same.
Loves: her quilt; spooning (just another 5 minutes more); art that moves you; films like ‘The Station Agent’/‘The Motorcycle Diaries’; being a paradox (also South Park The Movie); quiet time to write (film scripts, children's stories)/paint/think; walks by the sea; persuading friends to roll down hills for fun; Dudley cat sleeping with his chin on her hand; finding holiday places like Borrego Valley Inn; leisurely dinners with friends (under vines with a summer breeze off the ocean - okay, okay, so this doesn't happen in Reading); fancy dress parties and most of all people with passions who live life to the full who have seen something of this wonderful world.
Appreciates: random acts of kindness and thoughtfulness (best present this year was a conker from a colleague's garden in Budapeszt - so nice to hold something natural when in hell with fluorescent lighting); beautiful stylish spacious home; the people in her life; 8 year old balsamic vinegar; her Polish roots (have lived in Madrid, Warsaw & Sydney - Vancouver/S America one day); RentaGhost/Six Feet Under; money to be able to travel; people not put off by subtitles; places that are NOT crowded, smoky or noisy (except perhaps Ronnie Scotts) - preferably wide open spaces with amazing vistas that take up a whole roll of film (yearning for Tierra Del Fuego).
Loathes: carpets in pubs; smoke; trousers that are too short; Big Brother; the Top 40.
Needs: affection; conversation; openness; intimacy; doing fun stuff together as well as separately.
Gives: A LOT. I have to warn you I’m not particularly domesticated and instead pay for cleaning/ironing. That Polish gene escaped me ;-)
She describes her ideal match thus:
I have found my ideal man but alas he is no longer alive. Richard Feynman was a Nobel Prize winning physicist once judged as mentally deficient by the US army. His life story is a combustible mixture of high intelligence, unlimited curiosity, eternal scepticism and raging chutzpah. Feynman was surely the only person in history to solve the mystery of liquid helium, to be commissioned to paint a naked female toreador, and to crack the uncrackable safes guarding the atomic bomb's most critical secrets. He traded ideas with Einstein and Bohr, discussed gambling odds with Nick the Greek, and accompanied a ballet on the bongo drums.
AIM 1: I am very happy being single and in no rush to tie any knots, so right now would like to meet interesting people making friends along the way
AIM 2: long term I want to continue being bonkers in a beautiful intelligent way until I'm old and grey - with a wonderful man who I still hold hands with walking along the beach near our house and who still chases me around hotel rooms, plus some happy children to be embarrassed of us.
Would love to hear from you if your aims are similar, you have shared interests/values, are not afraid to open up, are a generous happy cultured soul with a hunger to experience life fully plus fancy having a lovely nutty friend like me.
...but first
HEALTH WARNING: mad, clever, passionate, direct, very.
Time saver (no go areas for me, sorry!): beer monster; football nut; smoker (other than the odd joint); telly addict; package holidays; dishonesty; selfishness; doesn't like cats; doesn't ever want children; career obsessed (what's free time?); possessive; aggressive; tight (except his buttocks); thinks tickling or alcohol is foreplay; here for sex only; thinks status, money (actually that is needed for many good holidays with me) or running marathons should attract me (rather than what's in his heart and mind - arts appreciating well-travelled open heart/mind, lust for life and kindness in a cosmopolitan package = big tick).
Is anyone still reading?
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Open letter of complaint to designers of Mr Wonderful
Dear PNC Designers of China
I rang my mother the week before Christmas and she told me “I’ve bought myself a man.” “What?” I exclaimed. “He’s 12 inches tall and rubber”. I was very concerned now. She had always taught me as a good catholic girl not to masturbate. And now??? (Sorry – TMI) She went on to explain this was the perfect man who stood in your living room and when you squeezed his hand, he said nice things that made her feel good. “Okay and why have you bought this?” I asked. “I’m wrapping him up to pretend a friend bought him for me, hoping Barry will learn a thing or two.” was her answer. I don’t know what is worse, thinking you can change a man, trying to change a man or using a toy to try to change him. I laughed so much on the phone when I heard what he says that she sent him to me instead. The following were good:
"Actually, I'm not sure which way to go. I'll turn in here and ask directions." – Actually it is amusing to see a man get increasingly lost through pride and stupidity. As well as something to complain about, it also gives us ammunition for when he considers sharing a story about how bad our driving is.
“You’ve been on mind all day. That’s why I bought you these flowers.” - Right like we don’t realise this means "I’ve been riddled with guilt all day for staring at the receptionist’s breasts and trying to get her to notice me".
“Why don’t we go to the mall? Didn’t you want some new shoes?” - Foot fetish or the signs of substance abuse.
“Mmmm – you look so beautiful in the morning.” Lying obviously. Not my step-dad who when broached on this subject i.e. mum asked “Do I look beautiful in the morning?” he replied “Not particularly.”
“No, you don’t look at all fat in that dress. How could anything make you look fat?” - What’s wrong with this man? Shit for eyes or BS disease?
“Hello darling, have I told you I loved you lately?” – What? He can’t even remember my name when he’s come home drunk.
"Here, you take the remote. As long as I'm with you, I don't care what we watch." - A man whose ass is always on the sofa is incredibly unappealing. It should be “Let’s go to that new restaurant in town for a meal and why don’t we go to a concert, the theatre, dancing or to a exhibition while we’re there?”
”The ballgame really isn't that important. I'd rather spend time with you." - No please have a life and do something that doesn’t involve me. Yes he CAN go to the supermarket on his own and survive. Please don’t give men the impression we want to be glued at the hip!
"Let's just cuddle tonight." - This is probably the most offensive of all. What are you doing propagating this myth gentlemen? Are you from the same Satanic design school that put bath taps at one end instead of the middle. No wonder romance is dead. Oh okay – I get it. It’s so you can sell your other rubber toys!
Please reconsider your design and feel free to send out a new model for consumer testing. Actually don’t bother. There’s nothing on earth that will be right for a woman anyway.
Yours faithfully
Ms Marta Zalewska
I rang my mother the week before Christmas and she told me “I’ve bought myself a man.” “What?” I exclaimed. “He’s 12 inches tall and rubber”. I was very concerned now. She had always taught me as a good catholic girl not to masturbate. And now??? (Sorry – TMI) She went on to explain this was the perfect man who stood in your living room and when you squeezed his hand, he said nice things that made her feel good. “Okay and why have you bought this?” I asked. “I’m wrapping him up to pretend a friend bought him for me, hoping Barry will learn a thing or two.” was her answer. I don’t know what is worse, thinking you can change a man, trying to change a man or using a toy to try to change him. I laughed so much on the phone when I heard what he says that she sent him to me instead. The following were good:
- “I love you”
- “Yes dear” – this rubber man is intelligent and saves time. He knows she’ll get her own way.
- "You know, honey. Why don't you just relax and let me make dinner tonight?"
- “You know I think it’s really important we talk about our relationship.”
- “Did you have a hard day honey? Why don’t you sit down and let me rub your feet?”
- "Aw, can't your mother stay another week?"
"Actually, I'm not sure which way to go. I'll turn in here and ask directions." – Actually it is amusing to see a man get increasingly lost through pride and stupidity. As well as something to complain about, it also gives us ammunition for when he considers sharing a story about how bad our driving is.
“You’ve been on mind all day. That’s why I bought you these flowers.” - Right like we don’t realise this means "I’ve been riddled with guilt all day for staring at the receptionist’s breasts and trying to get her to notice me".
“Why don’t we go to the mall? Didn’t you want some new shoes?” - Foot fetish or the signs of substance abuse.
“Mmmm – you look so beautiful in the morning.” Lying obviously. Not my step-dad who when broached on this subject i.e. mum asked “Do I look beautiful in the morning?” he replied “Not particularly.”
“No, you don’t look at all fat in that dress. How could anything make you look fat?” - What’s wrong with this man? Shit for eyes or BS disease?
“Hello darling, have I told you I loved you lately?” – What? He can’t even remember my name when he’s come home drunk.
"Here, you take the remote. As long as I'm with you, I don't care what we watch." - A man whose ass is always on the sofa is incredibly unappealing. It should be “Let’s go to that new restaurant in town for a meal and why don’t we go to a concert, the theatre, dancing or to a exhibition while we’re there?”
”The ballgame really isn't that important. I'd rather spend time with you." - No please have a life and do something that doesn’t involve me. Yes he CAN go to the supermarket on his own and survive. Please don’t give men the impression we want to be glued at the hip!
"Let's just cuddle tonight." - This is probably the most offensive of all. What are you doing propagating this myth gentlemen? Are you from the same Satanic design school that put bath taps at one end instead of the middle. No wonder romance is dead. Oh okay – I get it. It’s so you can sell your other rubber toys!
Please reconsider your design and feel free to send out a new model for consumer testing. Actually don’t bother. There’s nothing on earth that will be right for a woman anyway.
Yours faithfully
Ms Marta Zalewska
The Amzanig Human Mind
>Don't ignore this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it...
>
>i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
>The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
>Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a
>wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
>in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
>it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
>lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I
>awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
>
>Ubnalielbve!
>
>i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
>The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
>Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a
>wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
>in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
>it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
>lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I
>awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
>
>Ubnalielbve!
Marta's brilliant idea number 154
Here goes half baked idea no. 154. An in-car gadget that assists recording of business mileage (for those forgetful sales people etc.) and synchs with expenses sheet on your PDA. I said it was half baked.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Those Spanish subtiteloers are having a laugh
A friend came round last week to watch a DVD and from my unwatched collection we chose 'Y tu mama tambien' which we thought would include some nudity and frolicing. First off there was so much bonking in the first 10 minutes it was like watching porn. Secondly the subtitles were a complete piss take. I sussed this as I understand Spanish and it was just not making any sense to my friend struggling with the subtitles. It felt a bit trippy finding the secret English subtitles created by some joker to confuse the English perhaps. You had people shagging like rabbits while talking about the weirdest stuff. Felt just a tad embarrassed but found it funny all the same that someone actually created them. That DVD was switched for my big current favourite 'The Station Agent'.
A woman of contradictions + Elvis was fondled today
I came home today with an old copy of Tatler, nicked from Humphries Tyres waiting room in Bracknell, because it had two photos I wanted to show my housemate. First was a woman's naked bottom with white leather thigh high boots and white leather britches (no wrong word - cowboy type apron that protects your trousers), so lovely it made me think I was lesbian and second was the dress I'd love to wear if I ever get married again. So complete contrast although I hear lesbian weddings could be legal soon.
I went to Humphries because one tyre was low and I suspected a puncture. E had explained a couple of Saturday's back "MARTA - You drive like you have a 4WD!" Anyway that same Saturday I thought I may have damaged punctured or ripped the tyre while I was
a) crossing the grassy middle section of the dual carriageway to avoid hours of traffic jam and go back the way I came, or
b) driving on the pavement because the old guy waving his fist at me hadn't given me way on the single track section - I thought it was terribly kind of me to use my initiative and keep traffic flowing rather than make him reverse
The mechanic took my keys and I was wondering where the car was as I couldn't see it in the work bays outside reception. A while had past. He put his head round the door and I asked if he'd checked out the wheel. "No," he said "I've been playing with the conjoined Elvis's."
Well I didn't have any tyre damage but was the victim of non-calibrated public usage air stations at petrol stations which are usually totally incorrect, but he talked me into some new wipers which did need replacing. I am a bit keen on tyre pressure. They tease me at work because I have a calendar I've mapped out in a spreadsheet for when all my checks and waxing needs doing.
Above is a pic of Elvis one. His legs fell off with the help of a friends evil child I call Damiana. So I got Elvis two and the only thing funnier than Elvis dancing on your dashboard to whatever you play (Ace of Spades to Mambo Number Five) is the twins doing it in tandem. Actually much much funnier and nearly made me crash is when they swing round such that Half Elvis looks like he is doing something terribly rude to Full Elvis. Always fun to drive with Elvis!
I went to Humphries because one tyre was low and I suspected a puncture. E had explained a couple of Saturday's back "MARTA - You drive like you have a 4WD!" Anyway that same Saturday I thought I may have damaged punctured or ripped the tyre while I was
a) crossing the grassy middle section of the dual carriageway to avoid hours of traffic jam and go back the way I came, or
b) driving on the pavement because the old guy waving his fist at me hadn't given me way on the single track section - I thought it was terribly kind of me to use my initiative and keep traffic flowing rather than make him reverse
The mechanic took my keys and I was wondering where the car was as I couldn't see it in the work bays outside reception. A while had past. He put his head round the door and I asked if he'd checked out the wheel. "No," he said "I've been playing with the conjoined Elvis's."
Well I didn't have any tyre damage but was the victim of non-calibrated public usage air stations at petrol stations which are usually totally incorrect, but he talked me into some new wipers which did need replacing. I am a bit keen on tyre pressure. They tease me at work because I have a calendar I've mapped out in a spreadsheet for when all my checks and waxing needs doing.
Above is a pic of Elvis one. His legs fell off with the help of a friends evil child I call Damiana. So I got Elvis two and the only thing funnier than Elvis dancing on your dashboard to whatever you play (Ace of Spades to Mambo Number Five) is the twins doing it in tandem. Actually much much funnier and nearly made me crash is when they swing round such that Half Elvis looks like he is doing something terribly rude to Full Elvis. Always fun to drive with Elvis!
Monday, February 07, 2005
My fav sex etc. quotes
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?”
“Me neither."
* Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
* Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
* Matt Barry
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation! The other eight are unimportant."
* George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart
* Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?”
“Me neither."
* Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
* Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
* Matt Barry
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation! The other eight are unimportant."
* George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart
Good news or bad news
I was intrigued by this view that a friend shared with me: "yes its my major disagreement with radio 4. Too much bloody news, i personaly believe that the news is the worst kind of pornography, as if your not actually going to do anything about what you see then its just being entertained by other peoples suffering"
Sunday, February 06, 2005
K's story of anaesthesia
Wonderful K has a torrent of energy wilder than my own. So much so I frequently wonder whether he still realises I am there as he gets carried away with excitement and I blur into simply being the audience. We often meet for coffee at work to share our writing endeavours, for him to tell me to get on and write a book (he hates my blog), and for him to be inspired by my exploits - he's even penned a chick lit idea now.
He told this great story last week. He couldn't remember the Dr but the Dr came by the next day to tell K he was the most cheerful soul he had ever met. Before going under in a lovely throat slitting operation, Kamal asked whether they'd like a clean joke or a dirty joke. They said clean so he proceeded to tell them the 3 parachutes left on the plane joke but fell asleep in the middle. Then he woke up and started to tell the joke again from scratch. He told the joke 5 times before the anaesthetic actually got him and he was smiling the whole time. I think I shall take a leaf out of his book but need some good short jokes. In fact that should definitely be one's main concern when being wheeled into the operating theatre - getting the joke off to a tee.
Let me think of some good ones for the occasion and not too long (I'd welcome more)...
A man goes in to see his GP with a steering wheel stuck in the fly of his trousers.
Dr: What's wrong with this?
Man: It's driving me nuts
A man walks into a dentist and says: Please help me, I think I'm a moth.
Dentist: I'm sorry but I think you meant to go to the psychiatrist next door
Man: But you had the light on
He told this great story last week. He couldn't remember the Dr but the Dr came by the next day to tell K he was the most cheerful soul he had ever met. Before going under in a lovely throat slitting operation, Kamal asked whether they'd like a clean joke or a dirty joke. They said clean so he proceeded to tell them the 3 parachutes left on the plane joke but fell asleep in the middle. Then he woke up and started to tell the joke again from scratch. He told the joke 5 times before the anaesthetic actually got him and he was smiling the whole time. I think I shall take a leaf out of his book but need some good short jokes. In fact that should definitely be one's main concern when being wheeled into the operating theatre - getting the joke off to a tee.
Let me think of some good ones for the occasion and not too long (I'd welcome more)...
A man goes in to see his GP with a steering wheel stuck in the fly of his trousers.
Dr: What's wrong with this?
Man: It's driving me nuts
A man walks into a dentist and says: Please help me, I think I'm a moth.
Dentist: I'm sorry but I think you meant to go to the psychiatrist next door
Man: But you had the light on
To the Spa Batman!
Friday night I took mum as my guest to Nirvana Spa which I had recently joined on a 12 visits a year basis - joined last Nov but took me to end of Jan to get time to go for first visit! It had been mum's birthday - that reminds me, must look up exact explanation of how the beautiful piece of petrified wood came to be (that was her main present from me). She is mad about real things from the earth and also has a fab collection of crystal decanters etc. Time for a visit to www.howstuffworks.com
Right I'm back. "Minerals, such as the silica in volcanic ash, seep into the tree and fill in tiny pores in wood's cells. This changes the overall composition of the wood, turning it into stone material, while preserving its original structure. The variety of minerals in petrified wood creates striking vivid colors." I think it's wonderful. Wood into stone is better than water into wine but perhaps that's because I'm a visual person and I love seeing examples of petrified wood. I'm sure I bought it just so every time I visit I can admire it.
Mum really enjoyed the spa and said it was like going back to the days of the Romans. Robed individuals ambling, swimming, relaxing, etc. Even some columns and palm trees for good measure. We swam in all but one pool. The first one we looked in and I said "too busy". Mum was surprised as there were only 4 people in it. Last Friday night I had only to share any pool with one other person and this is precisely why I joined - that, the great facilities and that they use spring water rather than heavy chlorination.
We had lots of fun in the gigantic hot tub with various jet stations at various positions to massage various parts of you. There was one particular jet which near took my bikini bottoms off and it looked like the bubbles were going straight through my body and out my belly button which cracked us up. The foot jets are the most fun - if you try to stand over one it's like your being jet propelled into space. They also make your whole body feel relaxed instantly. Walking around that pool is like having had nine gins on the Titanic as it tilts more - the current is so strong in parts, one staggers like a drunk.
The sauna and steam rooms have pretty twinkly lights in the ceiling that change colour. There are monsoon showers which I couldn't see what the fuss was about other than they make a nice noise. The drenching is the same as my home shower.
Mum told me how gran used paraffin because it gave her hair a nice shine and everyone else a hernia worrying she'd go near a flame!
Right I'm back. "Minerals, such as the silica in volcanic ash, seep into the tree and fill in tiny pores in wood's cells. This changes the overall composition of the wood, turning it into stone material, while preserving its original structure. The variety of minerals in petrified wood creates striking vivid colors." I think it's wonderful. Wood into stone is better than water into wine but perhaps that's because I'm a visual person and I love seeing examples of petrified wood. I'm sure I bought it just so every time I visit I can admire it.
Mum really enjoyed the spa and said it was like going back to the days of the Romans. Robed individuals ambling, swimming, relaxing, etc. Even some columns and palm trees for good measure. We swam in all but one pool. The first one we looked in and I said "too busy". Mum was surprised as there were only 4 people in it. Last Friday night I had only to share any pool with one other person and this is precisely why I joined - that, the great facilities and that they use spring water rather than heavy chlorination.
We had lots of fun in the gigantic hot tub with various jet stations at various positions to massage various parts of you. There was one particular jet which near took my bikini bottoms off and it looked like the bubbles were going straight through my body and out my belly button which cracked us up. The foot jets are the most fun - if you try to stand over one it's like your being jet propelled into space. They also make your whole body feel relaxed instantly. Walking around that pool is like having had nine gins on the Titanic as it tilts more - the current is so strong in parts, one staggers like a drunk.
The sauna and steam rooms have pretty twinkly lights in the ceiling that change colour. There are monsoon showers which I couldn't see what the fuss was about other than they make a nice noise. The drenching is the same as my home shower.
Mum told me how gran used paraffin because it gave her hair a nice shine and everyone else a hernia worrying she'd go near a flame!
Our mice have a rubber fetish - why of course
Pulled out the inflatable mattress the other night, what with the family staying, and found the mice in the garage had chomped out a huge hole in the latex! Lovely! The mice should have been eradicated now by Rentakill but I fear for what else we might find. Hope they left my gimp costume alone ;-)
Waking up to wonders of family
I have just stirred and rushed downstairs to make sure mum and brother weren't letting me sleep and leaving without saying goodbye. Oh no they weren't! (sorry panto throwback) Mark has hoovered my car and is now washing it including my very very dirty alloys. Mum has oiled the hinges so the front door no longer squeaks. And WOW!!! - they have been in the garage to clear up the mice droppings although a bottle of tequila was accidentally broken as they had to move our huge stash in case world war 3 breaks out (food) or a party goes on 5 days (alcohol). The sun is shining. A new mole hill has dawned.
There is no doubt that Poles employ initiative and get on with it. Although I am not always thrilled with mum's decision to rearrange my kitchen because she didn't like the toaster there. I then have to point out I live there all year round and please could she live with it for the 5 days a year she is with me.
Friday night I just had to give Grazyna, our Polish cleaner, a hug to say thank you. I was chucking out two lots of flowers and she rescued the better ones, cut off the debris and created another vase worth to last a few more days. How wonderful is that. She does our ironing too. She brought back Timi's ironing having sewn up her loose seam too because she's just so so kind. My gawd - we are Les Bourgeois Bitches!
There is no doubt that Poles employ initiative and get on with it. Although I am not always thrilled with mum's decision to rearrange my kitchen because she didn't like the toaster there. I then have to point out I live there all year round and please could she live with it for the 5 days a year she is with me.
Friday night I just had to give Grazyna, our Polish cleaner, a hug to say thank you. I was chucking out two lots of flowers and she rescued the better ones, cut off the debris and created another vase worth to last a few more days. How wonderful is that. She does our ironing too. She brought back Timi's ironing having sewn up her loose seam too because she's just so so kind. My gawd - we are Les Bourgeois Bitches!
Wonderful New Zealand tale
A farmer in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he shouldtry artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his LandRover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive themout to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn!"
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his LandRover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive themout to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn!"
11.30am arrive in Windsor. As I enter the multi storey rather than take 10 mins to park, a space is right in front of me (like the Biblical parting of the waves). Things just get better and better from here. Right down to the gilt mirrors in the department store loos that make me think that a huge mirror as the centre piece in a French shabby chic bathroom is a good idea and I proceed to capture a photo so I don't lose the thought. It's been a special day full of lovely moments even down to driving home from panto listening to Heart's Club Classics (e.g. Ladies night, Back to my roots) and seeing a deer run across the road, a very enjoyable lunch, laughing on the phone with a friend, building lego in the midnight hours and now indulging in a bit of late night blogging. I have a list of things to blog about which runs at 23 items at present which keeps getting pushed back by new random thoughts/blurts/ideas. No, I don't really have time to go to work.
I forgot how fabulous Windsor is for wandering round art galleries, antique shops, the river, etc. Oksana has been really pissed off that in the UK the cigarettes have these huge health warning stickers but I manage to find her some new stickers to cover them with e.g. "Nobody likes a quitter", "Smoking supports the NHS", "Please don't tell my mum" etc.
Saturday 7.30pm I go to see Mary in Panto - put on by her church. I expected it to be awful but really wanted to see her in it - it was absolutely great! Very funny. I liked the inventive touches to make it very 2005 e.g. when the cave opened sesame there was the Windows Operating System start up sound. Here is Mary explaining where the indigestion started from (nah, not really).
Returning from the interval my beautiful Miss Sixty Mucho Shagedelic Black Coat with Crazy Fur Trim is gone and I'm convinced my car keys were in the pocket. Dave says it may have been taken as part of the play. "Bloody teefing Catholics!" I say very loudly before realising they may not realise I am one and am taking the piss of myself. Loud embarassing outbursts can be good sometimes. I start to think of my friend Jon. One trip to the cinema the 2 most annoying women on the planet were yelling at the characters in the movie, talking to eachother, scraping the bottom of their pop corn bins and pissing everyone off. They ignored all the shhhing and polite pleas until Jon turned round and demanded "Shut up you stupid fat cows!". Oh by the way - so many fat kids in this panto. England is going to rack and ruin. Seriously now, the government really must akin to 'Menu del dia' in Spain make supermarkets sell affordable mixed packs of fruit 'n' veg. There are children in Scotland, I read, that don't know what many real fruits look like. Oranges for Xmas will be back soon!
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